365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 175

January 13th, 2010

That day, I really knew that I wanted to go out of that place. I had been awake almost all night, my fingers running on my scars without opening them, thinking about what  to do. And I found what I would do. 

So, when I entered Dr. Jefferson's office, I smiled timidly to him before sitting down on the couch. He really seemed happy that I did, it was the first time I was interacting with him, except from nodding times to times. I was playing with my fingers, half looking at the doctor. 

- You look better today, Zayn. You like drawing, don't you ?

I nodded, still unsure of how to use my voice. I bit my lips, seeing in the corner of my eyes Dr. Jefferson's smile. He seemed happy that I was finally interacting with him and answering his direct questions. 

- Would you like to draw something else ?

I nodded again, I really wanted to do that. My fingers were hurting with the urge of drawing something on paper. It felt good to feel that, even though it hurts to admit it. Dr. Jefferson's placed a piece of paper and a pencil on the table between us and I was lost again. Lost in the drawing. I knew what I would drew that time. I knew what I was doing. The butterflies on the paper were familiar to me, they had been on my skin before. It was Safaa's butterflies. Thinking about her hurt, way too much. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest, leaving a huge whole. Surely not a good feeling at all. 

When I placed the pencil back on the table, Dr. Jefferson asked me if he could looked and I nodded. He took the sheet in his hands and stared at the paper for a while. Then he put it back on the table and looked at me. 

- Would you like to explain what that means for you ? What does the butterflies represent ?

I cleared my throat before speaking. I hadn't spoke in so long... 

- It's euh... It's Safaa...

He really seemed surprised to hear my voice. In fact, it wasn't mine. It was way too shy, way too silent. It didn't sounded like me at all. 

- Safaa... It's your sister, right ? The old man asked me.

- Yeah, she... She was... She...

I couldn't thought straight. Not about Safaa. It was way too soon for that. 

- Okay, okay. We won't talk about her now. Just tell me what the butterflies represent for you.

- They are... They are promises I made to... Saf. Things I said I would do. And things I... I couldn't do...

He nodded, doing this to signal me he had understood. I was about sure that he couldn't, but I was giving him a one for the effort. After that, I didn't spoke much. And I stayed complete silent when my nurse came to get me and to take me to my room. I didn't wanted to talk to her. I would only talk to Dr. Jefferson. 

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So, what are you guys thinking about this ? Hope you liked it !

I'll try to update tomorrow, but I'm not sure I would be able to... :/ it's Friday night, so my boyfriend will probably come over and stay late so...