365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 147

December 16th, 2009

When I woke up that morning, I was lying in the snow, freezing to death. I hadn't been able to come back home, so I stayed there, in the small forest, crying my heart out in the snow. I was shaking more than ever and I was barely able to get back to my feet. When I finally did, I walked home, slowly. By the sun coming on my skin, I knew it was probably past ten. I told myself that it wasn't such of a big deal if I was missing school. Going or not wouldn't have changed much, in my case. 

It took me half an hour to get back home, when I was like ten minutes away. I just couldn't help but fell almost each five feet and I couldn't see straight. My vision was blurred by the tears, they couldn't stop rushing down my face. The first thing a did when I get into my house, it was to let go of a huge breath I didn't knew I was keeping. And I was so damn happy that there was no one home. 

After that, I carried myself to the second floor, hardly. I was falling almost each step. I went into my bathroom, turning the water to the hotter I could get. As I was getting undressed, the steam was starting to fill the room and I was shivering. When I stepped into the shower, I started to cry again. I think I just never stopped, but I can't be sure. That day is almost a black out. 

I looked down to my hand, which couldn't stopped to tremble. Then my glance went up to my wrist. The butterflies were almost gone, again. I remember telling myself that I needed to go see Safaa soon. I needed her to draw on my skin again. 

I spend a long, long time under the hot water. At then end, I was sitting on the floor of the shower, my legs weren't able to keep me standing up. I was so weak, and shivering, and crying. I only get out when the water started to be cold. I wrapped myself in a towel, before walking into my bedroom to find some jogging to wear. I had to that a sweat shirt. Even dressed like that, I was still cold. I was cold in the inside. 

My eyes couldn't stay opened, so I wandered into my room, to find the bed. I let myself fall and i was shivering, again and again. I couldn't helped it. I spent my whole day like that, half conscientious, lying in bed. I barely heard Waliyha coming back home. 

I wasn't there. My body was, not my spirit. I was letting myself fall. So damn far away. So damn hard. I didn't wanted to helped myself. Not anymore. I wasn't able to stay. I wanted to go. It was the first time that I thought that. That I really wanted to go away and to never come back. 

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So, this is kind of bad, I think. But, I hope you like it anyway ! I'll try to update again tonight, but I can't promise ! Love you all ! xx