365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 69

September 29th, 2009

I wasn't good at all. I had cry all night long, my eyes were red and I was more than impossible. I whipped them once again before getting out of my room. I didn't talked to anybody, I just went outside and walked up to my bus stop, music in my ears. I only realized when I was at school that I didn't took a breakfast and that I didn't had money. So, I was tired, plus hungry. What a great day in perspective. 

The morning had been shitty, I was just sitting at a desk and I was seeing with the corner of my eyes Eli and Derek. It was ripping my heart out every time. I couldn't handle that. It was just way too hard... Way too painful. I was remembering this razor the night before. And I really wanted to put it on my skin. Again and again. I didn't knew what was happening to me. I was just feeling weak, I was feeling lost. And it's probably to two things I never been able to handle. 

I ate all alone at my locker, than I went I had a gym class. We played soccer, which could look nice at the first taught. But after... After what happened, I can tell that it was nothing but nice. I was one of the first chosen, only because people knew that I was good at that sport. I was in the team against Derek, who was the other's captain. He choose Eli first, after giving me a funny glance. I started on the field, one on one against... Yeah, Derek again. It was like the world was testing how many time I could last before punching him. I did pretty great. I didn't taught I would last so long. 

There was about half of the period that was done. I hadn't jumped on him and he hadn't punched me. But I really wanted to. Everytime he was passing next to Eli, he was giving her a sweet kiss. My heart was breaking every single time. I did like it was nothing, I didn't showed how much it was hurting. I just ran faster and kicked harder the ball. 

There was ten minutes left. I didn't remember the points, but it's not important. The only thing that is, it's that I was in a one on one against Derek. Again. I ran with the ball and he gave me a small punch with his shoulder. He then took the ball and I ran again to have it back. I was about to have it, when I heard him. 

- You lost.

I knew he was talking about the game. So I worked even harder to have the damn ball.

- You lost everything. You're a looser.

I let him go. I couldn't fight with him anymore. It was way too painful. I saw him running straight to the goal and making a point. People in my team were screaming at me. But I didn't mind. All I was seeing, it was Derek. Derek and his fucking smile I wanted to ripped of his face.

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So ? Go or not ? I don't really know... x)