365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 153

December 22th, 2009

I never slept and Safaa never woke up. I waited for that all morning and I think my Mom was waiting for it even more. But it never happened. I didn't cried when the nurse told us it was over. My Mom did and she wasn't able to do a thing after that. I wasn't neither. For a while, I just stared at Safaa, still lying in my arms. That was it. She was gone but she was still there. Her body was there but her spirit was away. 

If the doctor hadn't told me to go, I would probably still be there. I wasn't able to do a thing, I just needed to see Safaa. Her body. Whatever. When I went out of the room, I found my Mom sitting on the floor, a few feet away from my sister's door. I walked up to her then sat by her side. She was crying, a lot. Seeing that should have broke my heart even more but I was feeling nothing. Only emptiness. I held her in my arms for a while, then I called Doniya, to tell her to pick us up. And to come with Waliyha. 

I was the one who told them. Even if our Mom's face was telling what had happened. They both started to cry and I didn't knew what to do. I wasn't totally there. I wasn't able to feel something. There was nothing in me, no feeling, no pain, nothing. It was a huge hole. 

I can't remember how we all got home. I have huge blanks of that day and the following ones. Doniya stayed the night, that I can remember. I was hearing her crying all night, just as much as I could hear my Mom and Waliyha's sobbing. 

For myself, I was staring at my ceiling again. At first, all I could think about was to paint it. That it would make something nice to stair at. After that... I had flashes of Safaa. Things like the way her smile could lighted up a whole room. The way her laugh was so contagious that I always had to laugh too. The way she was believing in me. The way she was strong. The way she was herself. The way she was the little perfect sister. The way she was my Princess. 

Then came the memories. So many memories coming into my mind, rushing over my head and making me wanted to throw up. When she woke me up because the parents wanted to talk to us about the next vacation. When she couldn't let go of my at her first day of school. When I had to put her on my shoulder so she could see the Christmas parade, a year from then. When she tried to convince Mom to keep that cat she had found. When she asked million of times for me to take her to the park. When she sat on the corner of the pool and that I had to hold her in my arms so she would get into the water. When she told me she loved me. When she was the happiest girl I've ever met. 

I didn't broke that night. But I wasn't feeling good at all. 

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Okay, I wanted to make you cry, but I don't think this is worth crying... It's so bad comparing to what I wanted... Anyway, told me what you think about that ! It has been on my mind for a while !