365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 165

January 3rd, 2010

Dark... It was the only thing I could saw. At first, I thought that I was finally dead. That I had did it. I wasn't feeling a thing and silence was everywhere around me. For the first time in months I was finally feeling good. Better than ever. 

But the silence changed for some light sounds. A regular "bip", some sobbing, door closing. And I knew I wasn't dead. I knew those sounds way too much. I was at the hospital. I wasn't dead. I was alive. And I wanted to cry because of that. But I couldn't move, I couldn't open my eyes. The only reason why I know the date is because the TV was open on a news channel and they couldn't stopped saying "January third". So I assumed it's the day when I get back from the "no place". 

People came to see me that day. More than I deserved. And not only doctors. 

The first voice that came to my ears was my Mom's. She was crying and couldn't stopped saying "My Zayn, my little baby..." It broke my heart even more to hear her like that. She shouldn't be sad. She should be happy. If I had been gone, she would had less to care about. My sisters's voice came after and they took my Mom out. One of them stayed next to me, I couldn't tell who until a long time. 

- Zayn, it's... It's Doniya... She said, crying too. I know, I'm always saying the same things when I come here. But I can't help it... Why Zayn ? Why did you have to do that ? Why... ? I don't want that to be the last picture of you I'll have... I don't want you laying in bed, or in your shower, be the last thing I'll remember about my lil bro... Please Zayn, wake up...

I knew that she was the one who found me. And I was sorry for that. Sorry that she had to see that. 

- Zayn... Come back... Come back, I need you... 

Her voice was completely broke. The door opened and the next voice that came to me was Waliyha's one. It was rough, without emotions. 

- Doniya. Taylor's waiting for us outside. 

- I'm coming... You don't want to tell him something today neither ?

A long silence filled the room and I wished once again that I could be dead. The silence was heavy and heartbreaking. 

- Doctors said he needed to hear positive things, Waliyha finally said, her tone more harsh than ever. The only thing I want to tell him is how a fucking cunt he is, before slapping him in the face. 

No other words were exchanged and they left the room. I knew they did, I had heard the door closing once again, but I was feeling someone's presence next to me. There was someone, but I didn't knew who until he spoke. 

- Hi Zayn. It's... It's Mark. 

It surprised me to hear him. I wasn't expecting anyone to come. Not even my family and he was there. His voice was telling me that he was trying his best not to break down. He had cried, I could tell that. We hadn't talked much in the days before I did what I did, only a few text messages. 

I didn't thought about him when I tried to kill myself. I didn't about about anyone but me.

- I feel stupid, Zayn... You're my best friend, I should have see what was happening to you, right ? I should have see that you were feeling that sad... I'm sorry Zayn. You deserve way better than that. You deserve someone who will be able to see when you're on the edge of breaking down... I'm sorry mate, I'm so sorry...

He said other things, but I couldn't understand, he was crying way too much. After a while, I heard him getting on his feet and walking up to the door. He opened it and, before going away, he just said a few other words.

- I didn't tell Elizabeth. I know you wouldn't like her to know. I love you Zayn, please get back to us soon...

----

Okayyyyy ! I need to explain some things, like... Why is there a whole week of black out ?

For that... It's simple, yet I don't know how to explain x) I was on a school trip, than to my grand-parents' for the week-end. So, because I couldn't update, I decided to do something that Zayn couldn't remember. Anyway x)

I hope you all had a nice eastern, ate a lot of chocolate and all those kind of stuff x) Love you all xx