365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 116

November 15th, 2009

I felt like a shit as soon as I woke up. It was pretty early so I decided to go for a run. It helped to clear my mind, just a bit. But it was already good. Even though I was feeling bad again. I took a quick shower, then I felt the urge to hurt myself. It just took me like that. I was tired of feeling pain in my chest. I wanted to feel something else. So I sat down, my back laying on the door. I then looked at my arms. The butterflies were still there. A bit faded because of the shower I just had took. But they were there and I could still hear Safaa's voice. I couldn't cut my skin. Not now. So I put my razor back at its place and I get up. For once, I had been stronger than I usually was. 

When I get downstairs, my Mom was back to her smiling and strong mood. She was clearly my role model. I knew she had cried all day and night long, I had heard her. She handed me a plate with two pancakes on it. I smiled and sat at the table, next to Waliyha. Doniya was nowhere to be found and my sister told me that she was at her boyfriend's house. I nodded and just ate in silence. It wasn't an awkward silence like the ones we had before. It was just... Being near each others. I think my Mom felt it, even at the other side of the table. She knew that there was something different between me and Waliyha. If she didn't, she couldn't not noticed when Waliyha cleaned her plate and kissed my cheek before getting upstairs. 

- Where are my kids ? Joked my Mom, looking really surprised. 

I laughed a bit before cleaning my plate. You can't even know how much she is strong. She was joking around when, twenty-four hours earlier, she was learning that her husband had it her children. She is the strongest woman ever. 

- Seriously, what happened ?

- We worked this out. It was way too complicated to fight anymore.

She came next to me and hugged me pretty tight. That's only there that I saw that she was fighting pretty hard not to break down again. She was strong. She still is. 

- I'm glad you did. 

I smiled and I could see by the way her eyes were shining that she really was. She was happy that I was getting along better with my sister.

I spent the rest of my days at the retirement house. I wasn't seeing Mister O'Neill as much as in the summer, which I found a bit sad. Mostly because I knew he didn't had a lot of visitors. So, that day, I sat at his small kitchen table, doing a bit of homework, playing to cards and listening to a lot of his stories. Those old stories of his life he wasn't tired of thinking about. The kind of stories I may have but I don't notice.

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Seriously, this is crap. I'm just so damn tired and I had way too much homework. I hope you still love me, because I do. xx