365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 90

October 20th, 2009

I taught about sleeping a lot that day. I only taught about it because my Mom woke me up at seven, screaming at me and holding my notebooks in her hands. I wiped my eyes and stood on my elbow to look at her. I wasn't totally awake, so I wasn't understanding a thing. She started to walk up to my bed, throwing me my stuff. 

- Zayn, you get up.

- What ? No, Mom, please...

- Get up Zayn ! Waliyha told me about your "plans", you'll go to school !

- Mom, please, no...

I had only whispered that, my head falling back in my pillows. I didn't wanted to go, I had nothing to do anymore with that world. I was just apart. I didn't wanted to be a part of that.

- You're not going to drop out of school, did you hear me ? You're going to get up and go at your classes.

She get out and slammed the door. But I had saw the expression of her face. She was about to cry. That was probably the only reason why I get up. I took some clothes and put them on before throwing my notebooks in my bag. I went downstairs, where Waliyha was. I gave her a dark look, I taught it was going better between us. But it was, as I saw that day, not better at all. 

- I should have let you being afraid all alone, I told her before getting outside, slamming the door at the same time. 

I was walking up to school and it started to rain. I knew it was going to be a bad day. 

And it was one. Derek had laughed at me all day long, telling everyone that I was only "the little crying girl". I wanted to punch him but I didn't did it. I just ignored him, putting the volume of my music louder. But still. I could hear the laughing in my back and it was hurting a lot. 

I came back home running and I locked myself in my bathroom. I made an other cut. My heart was just hurting so much, I didn't knew how to handle it. I was strong enough. After cleaning everything up, I put a grey sweater and walked up to the hospital. I stayed there all the evening, watching TV with Safaa. I was doing like everything was alright even tough it wasn't. I'm sure she saw it because she laid her head on my chest and hugged me pretty tight. I didn't wanted to let her go. Never. She wrapped her arms around my neck and she just... She was just herself. She was laughing at the weird jokes the old man on the screen was telling, she was smiling and she was being strong. I wished I could be as strong as her. But even now... I'm not. I'll never be strong like her. I already knew that that night, as she felt asleep in my arms.

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Lalalala, I just finished all my mid-year exams, someone wants to party with me ??