365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 186

January 24th, 2010

That day, it was Dr. Jefferson its-self who knocked on my door. I was surprised to see him, especially that early in the morning. i had heard somewhere that he wasn't working until ten or eleven in the morning. 

- Go get dress Zayn, he said when he saw that I was only wearing boxers. I'm going to show you something. 

I only nodded and closed the door, just the time to find something to wear. I put some jeans on and a black t-shirt. It was showing the cuts, but I didn't minded. It was showing that I was fighting this, that I was fighting my demons. It had been hard, the day before, not to break down after reading Waliyha's letter. But I didn't and I was proud of it. I opened the door and went into the hallway, giving a small smile to my psychologist. He pointed the end of the hallway with his chin and started to walk in that direction. I followed him, my hands in my pocket. I was wondering where he was taking me, but I didn't asked. He stopped in front of a door and I remembered being there already. But I couldn't remember clearly, it was a blurr. 

- Remember the group session you went to, a couple of weeks ago ? Dr. Jefferson asked me as I nodded. I think it could be great for you to speak about what you're going through to people that actually can understand. Because, even if I'm trying my hardest to, there's still things I can't understand, because I never lived what you do. I think it could be pretty helpful.

- I want to try this, I said, surprising myself.

I thought, at that moment, that I really wanted to go home. I wanted to go see Waliyha and told her that I would never leave her again. I didn't wanted her to be alone in our house anymore. 

I opened the door by myself and the group discussion was already started. I smiled shyly to everyone in the room, before taking place to one of the small chair. The therapist leading the group turned to me and made a huge smile. Fake, but still a smile. 

- Want to present yourself ? She asked me.

- Euh... I'm Zayn Malik and I'm sixteen. Can I just... Listen for today ?

- Of course you can.

I smiled back at her and rested my hands on my knees as I was listening to people telling their stories. Telling how much it was hard to get back on. I was surprised that I was understanding what they were feeling. Surprised that I wasn't the only one with that kind of pain in my chest, that kind of one that didn't wanted to go away. And I found myself smiling at the end, when they were saying that they were in their way of getting better. It was weird to actually feel like, when I would be ready to talk, that some people would understand. 

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Just realized that we're more than half-through the story... Can't believe how fast time flies !