365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 124

November 23th, 2009

I knew I was stupid to actually believe that Mark would changed his attitude toward me at school. He spent the day with that bunch of people I used to call my friends a couple of months ago. Our eyes met once during lunch time, as I was getting out of the cafeteria. The smile he had didn't changed when he saw me and he did nothing. I wasn't expecting him to jump off of his chair, but still. I had hoped something more. Maybe waving or something.

That's why I was pretty surprised when someone sat next to me in science, before the class had started. I looked up from the drawing I was doing to see that familiar face staring at me. 

- Still on a drawing mood ? Mark said, mocking me a bit. 

He always did that when it comes to my drawings, always in a kind way.

- Yeah, always. I love that shit, you know ? I answered, smiling a bit.

- Let me see. 

Before I could do a thing, Mark had the paper between his hands. I didn't protested, because it wasn't something looking to personal at first sigh and he already had saw some of my drawings. This one was Safaa's face, before. Before the treatments, before the cancer, before. When she was just an other girl like everyone else. 

- You should really tried a drawing school Zayn. This is awesome, Mark told me.

I didn't had the time to answer, the bell had rang right at that moment. He get up and walked up to his place, giving me an other smile. I thought that that day could at least end well but..

No, I wasn't worth that. 

Derek turned around and I wasn't feeling the smile he had.

- He's just pitying you. You know that, don't you ?

The worst part about what he said wasn't the words, actually. It was Elizabeth's laugh at the end of it. She put her hand on her mouth, trying not to make a sound. But still, I heard it. I never answered Derek, he wasn't deserving that. And, thinking about what that guy wasn't deserving, I thought about what I wasn't deserving neither. 

I wasn't deserving to be there. I mean... I wasn't deserving that life. In fact, yes. I was deserving all that shit that had happened. It was all because of me. It was hurting to think that, mostly when, just in front of me, there was Derek and Elizabeth laughing together and looking at me weird. 

I already told you how bad I was feeling, right ? That's what I thought.

It was getting worst and worst every day. I don't know how I can describe that. It's just... A hole in your chest, getting bigger and bigger every passing day. It's nothing more than that. You really need to experience it to know what it is. 

I spent the rest of the class staring at Eli's back, trying not to think that she was laughing at me and not with me anymore...

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So, what are you thinking ? Good or not ?