365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 170

January 8th, 2010

- You'll need to talk a bit, Zayn, if you want some help.

That was what no one understood. I didn't wanted help. I wanted to be left alone in the dark and feel the damn pain in my chest. 

It was the afternoon and I was in my psychologist office once again. In fact, it was only the second time that I went there, but still. It felt much more than that. I was still refusing to talk, not even looking in the direction of Dr. Jefferson. 

- Okay, Zayn. Get up and follow me. 

I stayed there, pretty sure I didn't wanted to know where he wanted to take me. Jefferson put his hand on my arm to help me to get back to my feet and I jerked away. I didn't wanted anyone to touch me. I got up by myself and followed the doctor, looking down to my feet. We walked a couple of hallways before he stopped in front of a door. He opened it and made me a sign to get in. 

The room was almost empty, except from a dozen of chairs and just as much people. Eleven were teenagers and one was probably a therapist or something like that. I totally didn't wanted to be there. 

- Oh, hi Dr. Jefferson, said the older lady. You're bringing us someone new ? 

- Yeah, the doctor answered, while grabbing a chair out of nowhere and adding it to the circle. This is Zayn. I just wanted to show him something. Is it okay for all of you ?

A couple of shy "yes" came from the teenagers' mouth and the lady nodded. "Take a seat Zayn" my doctor whispered to my ear. I let myself fell on the new chair and crossed my arms on my chest. 

- So, who's turn was it ? The therapist asked, her glance going all over the group. Elizabeth ?

I instantly looked up, to see that Elizabeth girl getting on her feet. She was nothing like my Elizabeth. She had a dark skin, brown eyes and short black hair. I looked back down to the floor as she started to speak. 

- When I got here, I was just out of the hospital from a suicide attempt. I was feeling like life wasn't worth it. I hated to live, I wasn't getting the point of it. Who was I ? I was no one. So it didn't matter if I desperate. No one would care. I still don't get the point of living everyday, it's still hard sometimes, but I want to. I want to leave. I've got friends back home who are waiting for me to come back. My life's worth it. And I'm glad it didn't work. 

People were cheering at her and she sat down. Stupid shit. A recovery group. Like those things they do for cancer. I tried not to think about that, but it was too late. Pictures of Safaa were coming to my mind and I couldn't stopped them. I got up quickly and rushed through the exit. I wouldn't sat one more minute in that room. I ran, the faster that I could to go to my room. A couple of nurses came after me but I closed my bedroom door in her faces, pushing myself against it so they couldn't entered. Tears felt over my cheeks and the pain was even stronger than the day before... 

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Love you all xx