365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 155

December 24th, 2009

It was an awesome Christmas eve. I spent it in the funeral home. I can't remember calling people to tell them about Safaa's death. But I surely was the one who did it, the others weren't able to do it. It was hurting them too much. 

I stood in front of the casket for a while, before everyone was coming inside. The girl inside of it wasn't my little sister. She was nothing like Safaa. She had her hair clean and well placed, nothing like my sister. She always had her hairs all over her face before she was running everywhere. The girl and the casket was way too pale and she had make-up. Safaa never put make-up in her entire life. Except one time, when she still stuff from Doniya's purse and tried them on. But she get grounded and she never did it again. 

My hands were shaking, a lot. I couldn't believe that was it. It was hurting. At least, it was supposed to hurt. I couldn't feel a thing, I had a hole in my chest. Maybe it was better like that. People started to fill the room and I get out. I needed some fresh air and seeing people crying as they entered the room was too much. Most of them didn't knew her half as much as I did. 

The funerals were the next day. I knew that it would be horrible. 

Seeing those same people crying over that little girl they only knew her name. They didn't had the right to cry over her. They didn't.

I stood outside, my back on the brick wall. After a while, I sat down, not worrying about the fact that there was snow on the floor. I didn't mind about much, back then. I took a pencil out of my pocket, at the same time as a paper. There was a couple of words written on it, most of them were covered by black line until they couldn't be read again. It was my speech for the day after. I couldn't find something good enough for Safaa. 

I stayed there for a long time, I couldn't write something. I stopped trying when someone stood in front of me. Even before I looked up, I knew who it was. He was smelling alcohol, way too much. I get back to my feet before our eyes meet. Mine were cold as hell and his... They were just empty. 

- Go away, I shouted, without emotion.

- Zayn, you can't do...

- GO AWAY !

My father looked surprised by the way I screamed at him. But I didn't wanted him inside. He wasn't there when Safaa needed him the most and now that she was dead, he wanted to see her ? Hell no. That wasn't happening. 

- She was my daughter.

- Weird that you're saying that. You weren't there for her when she needed you the most. 

- I... Zayn...

- You know what she told me once ? She asked me where you were and I invented something about you working to pay for her medication. She knew I was lying. But she believed that because she wanted to think that you cared about her ! But you didn't ! And she needed you ! She fucking needed you, it was the worst times of her life and you let her down ! She was your daughter, but a few days ago, she told me that I was the man of her life. The one who cared the most about her. This isn't supposed to be my role. It's supposed to be YOURS !

He didn't answered and he seemed like he was thinking about something. 

- Go away now... I almost whispered, completely drained. 

And he did just as I said.

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Hiii ! Finally, my best friend let me down to go skype with hot guys (Can't blame him, they were really sexy.) Anyway. Hope you liked it ! I've got a huuuuge chapter for you tomorrow, something... Pretty huge.