365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 63

September 23th, 2006

I wasn't feeling like going to school that day. I wasn't feeling like being alive at all. But I get up. I cleaned up my face, making the tears disappeared. I really tried my hardest to look great. To look... Like nothing had happen. But I wasn't a good actor at all. I knew it by the glance Doniya gave me just before I went to my bus stop. It was a glance meaning 'we'll need to talk later'. I knew I'd have to.

Exept for my sister, I think everyone believed that I was OK. In fact, it was easy. I had no friend, except Mark - and we weren't hanging out together at school. I went into the science class, almost late. The bell rang as I sat next to Elizabeth. Trying not to look at her. Failing in less than a minute. She was like usual, a tiny smile on her lips, her hair falling around her face, her eyes passing of the board to her sheets. Like always. She didn't even seemed sad or something. I think that's what it hurt to most. Knowing she wasn't hurt anymore. 

We were back to the 'unfriend' level. She never looked at me or tried to talk with me. I was the only one who was looking, with the corner of my eyes. I bit my lips, because I knew I wouldn't make it. I would fall off before the end of the class. At a moment, I saw Derek turning around. And he was smiling probably more than ever. I just wanted to punch him at that moment. But when the teacher is talking about some electricity stuff, I think it's not the great moment. "She dumped you" his lips said, without a sound. I felt horrible. My chest was falling so damn far away. He probably joined the center of the earth many times since then. Derek turned around again, repeating the same sentence. He did that a couple of times, until I loose control. I grabbed my bag on the floor and put it over my shoulder. Then, I just left the classroom, without saying a thing. I ran up to the doors that'd brought me outside of the school. And then... I ran again. I ran until I was out of breath, I ran until I felt on the floor. Yeah, I really felt. In the middle of the small forest near Eli's house. I broke down there. I just... I lost it. I was crying, so damn hard. And no one could ear me. It was just... Me, myself and my pain. It was all. I called me by such a huge number of names, all negative things. Because I was. I was so a bad person, in fact.

When I get home that night, I didn't said a thing. I had missed the dinner and I knew it. But I didn't mind. Doniya tried to talked to me but she gave up after I sent her a dark look. I just felt on my bed and grabbed my knees on my arms. I felt the real meaning of lonelyness there. Having people caring for you, but needing the one you can't have. Or, in my case, that I couldn't have anymore.

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So ? Is it great or not ? And I let you guess in what class I had my inspiration... x)