365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 141

December 10th, 2009

I finally decided to go back to school that day. I wouldn't have been able to spend an other laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I was about to lose it. So I lifted myself off of the mattress and dressed to go to school. I walked in silence up to the bus stop with Waliyha. It felt like we were back to that "We don't know how to act with each other" state. It wasn't feeling pretty good at all. I needed to know that some people still liked to talk to me. I wasn't feeling like that, because Alexis haven't called me back. It has been a day since she told me that she would. 

In PE, we were still in that basket thing. I wasn't so bad, that was probably the only reason why no one was laughing at me. And, when I say no one, never forget to do minus Derek. Because he was always laughing at me, no matter how hard I was trying to be good, or to disappear. 

I was at the defense, against him. I wasn't letting him move at all, he was stuck in the corner and, if he was shooting, I would block it and get the ball. He knew that. So, for something that appeared to me like a long time, we only stared into each other's eyes. Then he did that weird smile and I knew he was about to destroy me again.

- Want to know something ?

- No. Just shoot that fucking ball.

He laughed and bit his lip. I knew that he would REALLY destroy me. 

- I slept with Elizabeth. 

He said that and started to run. I couldn't go after him, I couldn't block his way anymore. My heart went straight to the floor, before breaking there. She couldn't do that. She couldn't have slept with him. 

Then I realized how selfish I was. 

I had slept with girls since my break-up with Elizabeth. And it's worst than what she did. She had slept with her boyfriend. I had slept with strangers. 

I wanted to throw up after thinking about that. I rush the to locker room, then to the small bathroom it contained. I rushed myself on top of one of the toilet and just waited. I was feeling nauseous as hell but it never came out. My head was dizzy and it felt like I had ran a fucking marathon. But I hadn't and it was probably the worst part of that.

I was feeling sick for no reason. I didn't had the right to feel sick. Elizabeth is fifteen, almost sixteen, she could slept with who the hell she wanted to. I had no right to interfere with her life anymore. 

When I get to bed that night, I felt like a total jerk. I was feeling like that way too often, by those times. It surely wasn't a good thing at all. But I couldn't helped it. 

----

Hi everyone ! Hope you're all having a better week-end than mine, it was boring as hell...