365 days of Darkness // Z.M.

Day 86

October 16th, 2009

I skipped school that day too. My Mom knew it and she didn't said a thing. I think she understood how I was feeling. I was sad, I was feeling worst than ever. I didn't slept a lot, I was thinking about Safaa way too much. She wasn't going to be saved. She had only a few months left. Just by remembering that fact, I felt like I was about to throw up. This couldn't happened to her, this just couldn't... Not my sister... I walked up to the bathroom, where I found the blade I hadn't put away. And I felt like it would be great to put it on my skin again. I was lost, so damn lost... 

I don't remember much about that time. It was the start of the real darkness. I had cut the other wirst that time, I was way less dexterous, the red line was full of zigzag. I didn't mind, it was just great to fell other things than that stupid pain in my chest. So, by the end of the morning, I had both of my wrist wrapped in a bandage. Luckily for me, the temperature was getting low, so I could wear long sleeves without looking like a weirdo. 

I spent a lot of my afternoon in my bed, looking at the ceiling and feeling empty. It was only when I heard a knock on my door that I minded of getting up. I opened it and I saw Doniya. She gave me a sad smile, her keys in her hand. 

- I'm going to the hospital, want to come ?

I knew I had promised to Safaa that I would come but I just... I couldn't. I would hurt way too much. I shook my head and looked down to the floor.

- Safaa missed you, yesterday night. 

I shruged and blew. I knew, I had hear it in her voice the day before. But I mean... Who would like to see his younger sister in an hospital bed, knowing she only had a few months left ? Not me at all. 

- I understand, she said kindly. I'll tell her you had a lot of homework. 

She started to walk up to the stairs and I stopped her by calling her name. She turned around, looking at me, her eyes were so damn sad that it broke my heart a bit more. 

- I'll come. 

I came back into my room to find some shoes and she waited for me in the car. When I get in, she smiled and grabbed my hand. I was really doing that for Safaa. Because that situation was about to destroy me. 

I spent all the evening there, with all my sisters and my Mom. My Dad was still out of sigh, probably in London or something like that. He was never there. It was not new at all but... I was wishing he could take a break of working to spend some time wit Safaa. Because I saw in her face that night that it was the only thing missing for her to be happy. Her dad.

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