OCs 2 - the Sequel

Notes From Rylee's Therapy Journal

The Walls

Brooke came in today to talk about Violet. She was halfway through her pregnancy and I was confused why she came to me during work hours at first for just a chat, but then she let her wall down. Her emotions poured into my brain - her worries, her fears, her anxiety...

Brooke Walker has never let her walls down for anyone except me. I wish Ryland knew that she was shutting him out of her true emotions half of the time.

She came to me before graduation... She was worried about her and Ryland staying together through college. She was worried about college too. She didn't think she was good enough and she wasn't used to someone sticking around so she was worried Ryland wouldn't love her.

One year, she started staying at dad's house with me and avoiding Charles. She blamed herself and almost entirely avoided him for 2 years. I tried to reason with her, but... It didn't work.

Oh! I forgot about in highschool... She had so much trouble accepting the truth about her parents and feeling worthless to Charles and Nina... And when Nina died, she felt so disconnected from the family. She didn't understand how to cope. She acted like she was okay... But not being there...not being invited to say goodbye... She felt like she was worthless and didn't belong with Charles and Aspen.

I myself could've saved her... That thought pained me so long... But this isn't about me.

And when she got married, she was so nervous. She didn't know how to be there for someone. She didn't know how to be a 'good wife.' I told her to just be herself because that's who Ryland fell in love with. She then worried that she could never let her walls down because when he saw what was behind the walls she put up, he might not like her anymore.

It broke my heart, seeing what her parents and Charles prior neglect to her as a child had done to her self confidence and trust.

That brings us to now... She doesn't want to be a bad mom. She's absolutely terrified. She doesn't know anything about being a mom, or pregnancy, or moodiness, or anything. She doesn't want to be like Catherine or Timothy... And she's not entirely sure how to act.

I gave her a long talk and comforted her and reassured her...

But those walls still tower over every attempt and approach I've tried. I can't knock them down. I've tried. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell Ryland these things... Though it would be betrayal from the only person she trusts.