Magic Mirror #2

Found Myself 🇵🇭

Hi! I'm Jeji and I am from the Philippines 🇵🇭 and THIS IS MY STORY.

I became an Army since 2017. I was born in a family that well known to be very intelligent and workaholic. Since I was I child, they already had a high expectations in me. My childhood was not great, I have a younger brother who was always been compared to me because basically he is smarter than me. But I don't care about that who is smarter.

What makes me cry every night is that how strict my family was. Since I was a kid they never let me play outside with other kids and whenever I go, even in school I always have a bodyguard to look after me and what's worse is they have connections in my school. So even my teachers are watching over me. I experience depression in a very young age because I feel that I don't have freedom, I always feel pressured everytime, I feel that I need to prove something to everyone, everyday and it was tiring.

Since I always locked up in our house, I don't know how to communicate with others. I don't know what to do. I thought I should pleased everyone and agree to all they want, do and say. That's why I got fake friends. Finding the truth about their true colours leave a scar in my heart. I became so distant to everyone. I feel like everybody is just using me. I was alone, I feel so empty for I have no one to talked to, someone who will listen, someone who will stay and someone who will be true.

Do you know the feeling that even you, doesn't know yourself because I used to act on what people want to see on me, what they want me to be, a person who will just stay quite if they do wrong, a person who is easy to scared of just by a simple "IF YOU TELL IT TO THEM, I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER!", a person who you can get money and who had a lot of connections, a person who will do your own schoolworks and a person who can't aay 'NO' as an answer cause she can't stand for herself. I feel like a puppet. I was lost.

In such a young age, I experienced depression, I will be honest that I attempted to commit suicide not just once but many times. I tried to opened up to my family but they don't take it seriously, they say that I was over dramatic and it's just a simple stress because of school or friendship. My definition of comfort is to hurt myself until I see my own blood and suddenly I will feel numb, that's it. Comfort means being numb.

How I attempted to commit suicide? Does anyone stopped me? The answer is no one because no one can see that I'm doing it because that's how I planned it. I secretly stole my father's swiss knife, he is a soldier by the way. I hide it under my bed. Then when the night comes and everybody is already sleeping, I will start cutting myself. And I'm doing it every night and I will cover my wounds in the morning. Yes, I was torturing myself until finally my body give up, that was my plan.

I also, tried committing suicide in school, in our classroom to be exact and all my classmates was there but no one ever noticed what I'm doing, they're all busy talking and laughing with each other that day but then my bestfriend came, she is the only one who noticed what I'm doing, she's the one who stopped me. She yelled all our classmates for not noticing that someone is about to end her life and no one stopped me. That day is the day I met BTS in my life.

How? Well, when I was about to go home I heard their song 'You Never Walk Alone' to the passenger in the jeepney I was on and that time it just me and the driver was there. Yes, she is not using earphones that time. And yes, that was the first song of BTS I've heard. Those lyrics hit me so much that I can't stop crying because of it, all that happened when I was about to end my life was flashed to my mind. I realize that day that I'm not really alone, I have my bestfriend with me and I have God. I feel sorry for them for not noticing it in the very beginning.

Well, I know that was embarrassing to cry in a jeepney but that day, I just don't care if they saw me being vulnerable. You might be wondering how I understand their song when it's korean? Like I said earlier my family was known to be very intelligent, I was raised to studied different things or lessons all day to be ready when they finally put me on a school, to have advantage with other students and also, to sured that they will maintain their reputation and one of the things I studied is learning different languages like korean language.

Since that day I heard that song, my life changed. I started searching that song then ended up researching about BTS itself and stanning them. I never thought that my journey will begin that day.

My journey to finding myself and loving myself. I did not just became a better person but a person with a purpose and that is to helped people who are experiencing depression. When BTS came to my life they taught me so many things that not just changed my life but my perspectives in life.