Magic Mirror #2

Too Much Sad Information, Enjoy 🇸🇪

Hi! I'm Suze and I am from Sweden 🇸🇪 and THIS IS MY STORY.

My whole life I've been suffering from emotional and physical abuse from my mother. Mind I'm only 15 .But to me that's been my whole life. Now skipping the whole situation that I've always been overweight discussion involving literally everyone (apparently). Everything got a lot worse when I started school at 5 years old. I started getting hit with high expectations and not only punches from my mom.

I started developing the fear of failure and mistakes in general. As soon as I did something that didn't really sit right with my mom I got punishments such as having to listen to her screaming how worthless I am and how disappointed she was because she had me as a daughter while spitting in my face for half an hour. I mean that's not too bad she once extinguished a cigarette on my skin, so I shouldn't complain.

Since my dad was in prison from age 2 up until I was 9 I've never had a dad around. And after he got out he was sent out of Sweden, I don't really know why he was in prison or that it was so bad he got sent off. Either way I tried my best and I always lied about having my dad around since I can remember. We did visit him during his time in prison but it wasn't quite the best. I was happy seeing him while he also was happy.

Then it switched to him being angry at me for being fat. I recall them fighting about what they could do about my weight almost every single time. One time we were allowed to stay for a weekend and that's when my brother was made. Since she made quite some bad decisions when raising me it would become better when she had my brother...spoiler alert....it didn't.

Although I honestly think I deserved all the abuse. I've realized that It's not a good way of raising a child. During my younger childhood I often hurt myself. At first it was by accident. Then I started doing it on purpose. Whenever I got home from school and I wanted to show my mom my grades or a drawing or something she either ripped it apart or just threw it at me because she didn't wanna see.

I felt like I was nothing but trash so I slammed the door on my foot and cried in silence. I dropped boxes with toys on my head and I hit myself with fists and basically anything I could find. Though. It wasn't easy as I was a young child and didn't really have any heavy or hard things. It continued and my goal was to one day make my mom proud. At the age of 9-10 I started dancing and I loved the process of learning but the stage and the feelings on stage were truly thrilling to me.

For the first time in my life somebody acknowledged me for being me and not a nerd that nobody saw. My mom didn't like that I danced. She was always angry at me for behaving like a slut at the age of 10-11. I didn't even know what that was until she said that's what I am. So I started dancing in secret, in between classes and if we happened to end the day earlier I stayed and danced. I also told her that I was going to study extra. Which I didn't need but she liked the idea. So that's what I used as an excuse to go to the dance classes held by the school after school.

At that age I discovered self harming by cutting yourself. But I was too scared to do it. I figured that it would be too noticeable and the last thing I was looking for was attention. I became a few years older and it was time to begin my 7th year in school at 13 years old. I finally met my lovely best friend. She introduced me to Kpop and made me fall in love with BTS. The song that made me a stan was Boy in Luv. I loved everything about Kpop. Especially the fact that they were dancing while singing. They seemed to have a lot of fun and their overall vibe was different. They were expressive and I especially found comfort in watching Hoseok.