Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Faye: Water and Fire

Title: Water and Fire 

Author: ivyleaf-

Reviewer: Fayesther

Title + Cover: 5/5

I like the title it is eye catching and communicates the magical themes that you include in your story.

The cover is beautiful, using a good mix of colour and shadow. I love that it shows a sort of yin and yang idea with the blue and red spotlights on the white and black cats facing each other off, very effective! The layout of the cover is also very pleasing to the eye. The lettering stands out nicely and goes well with the colour theme chosen.

Description: 4/5

I am a fan of short and sweet descriptions and this one is just that! It introduces the story well in a simple way that intrigues the reader without overwhelming them with too much detail upfront.

My only issue with the description is that last sentence- "What will happen?" Asking this at the end comes across as a bit cheesy and takes away from the epic, whimsical feeling you are portraying in the rest of the description.

Grammar: 3/5

I found grammatical errors scattered throughout the story. With a re-read and an edit it would be easily sorted.

I'm just going to mention a few to help you out.

The first sentence of the prologue came across a little clumsy.

I believe "It was a dark night." would work better.

Another example is:

"You've never known Muthana anyways. How do you know their names, anyway?"

Possible edit:

"You don't know Muthana. How do you know their names?"

Cutting back on the additional words help make the sentence flow better for the reader.

I found a few sentences throughout that had words in a confusing order, I tried to pinpoint them as I read in your book's comments I also found a few typos here and there that I commented on too.

You have a beautiful vocabulary! You bring a good variety of words to put across your ideas which was a joy to read.

You punctuated your story well, I found no big issues regarding punctuation. Any errors I have commented on I believe were overlooked typos!

Characterisation: 4.5/5

A good variety of characters with different opinions and beliefs. A couple had very old fashioned views about societal roles which I thought was good detail to add to the story as it shows an authenticity within the society you have built- not every character will agree and individuals will have adverse beliefs. Very brave writing!

I really rooted for Muhanna; she was written in a well rounded way. Misunderstood yet likeable. I loved how she didn't like others giving her nicknames that was a nice personality trait to include. The fact that only Muthanna was an exception to this showed the reader how close they were in a very clear yet subtle way.

You described the characters' emotions nicely by describing subtle cues such as movement in their facial features and a "lashing" of their tails. Gorgeous!

You were consistent in describing the characters' body movements and mannerisms I never forgot that I was reading a story about animals not humans. Well done!

However, I did get a bit confused at times because Muhanna's and Muthanna's names are SO similar.

Another thought: (This does not affect your mark for this section). Because there are so many characters involved in this story I believe that the Character Glossary (Is that what I should call that chapter?) At the start is a helpful tool for the reader. However reading that amount of information in one go was overwhelming. It might have been better if you introduced characters in smaller chunks as the story develops. A story on Wattpad that does this well is "THE MULTIVERSAL CRIMINAL" by STRILON.

Plot: 4/5

This is a character driven story full of action and excitement. It also has so much drama for the reader to sink their teeth in!

You have built a huge world to get lost in. It is obvious throughout that you have a clear vision that you want to communicate to your reader.

You were excellent at building suspense and mystery. Once the "dark cat" entered the story I HAD to know who it was!

You had a lot of ideas and brought a huge variety of aspects to your story. However, I was not too sure which aspect was the central plot, which caused me to get lost sometimes.

Writing Style: 3/5

You have included beautifully written descriptions! How you described your character nearly drowning was genius! I also loved the idea of messages being written on leaves- gorgeous!

There were times where you could've stepped back from the plot to set the scene as there were instances where I wasn't sure what the characters' surroundings were. For example, I wasn't sure if the school was a natural setting or a regular school building. Reading a description of the immediate surroundings would've helped me feel more connected.

There were also times where you would overuse ellipses.

An example of this is: "Yeah... we couldn't see who it was. It was too dark there. It just smelt of... the bitter tang of fire."

However, I understand that you were using these ellipses to show that there are pauses in the character's speech. Rather than putting ellipses to show this it would paint a better picture if you described why the character is pausing. e.g. Were they struggling to find the right words through emotion? Did they run out of breath? The possibilities are endless.

Adding your characters thought processes was an effective way to drive home parts of the plot and writing them in italics made it easy for the reader to follow.

OVERALL SCORE: 23.5/30

A story of a huge, whimsical world where beautifully written characters live out their incredibly dramatic lives!

I found gems throughout this story showing a lovely skill in descriptive writing and I loved the GIFs and illustrations that you have included. They enhance the story rather than take anything away.

There are a few errors to fix here and there. Something that I like to do when checking my own writing is to read the chapter out loud and see if it sounds right. Sometimes when you are just reading in your head you can automatically correct it without realising that you are doing so.

I'm glad that you added the little message at the start reminding the reader that this is a sequel to a previous story. I believe if I read the first instalments I would've followed the story better.