Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Brooklyn: Another Chance

Title: Another Chance

Author: mann101978

Reviewer: brooklyn-rose-15

Summary: 3/5

Generally, your summary was well-written and somewhat composed. There were a couple of things within the summary that needed some polishing, one including the awkward wording. You said, "Harry and her some other friends, and the ex-death eater Draco Malfoy, whom nobody expected, also decide to return." This sentence leaves the reader hanging in an awkward sense of confusion. Instead, I suggest writing that sentence as, "Many of her other friends, including Harry Potter, decide to join her in the return to Hogwarts. Draco Malfoy, ex-death-eater, also decides to return, much to everyones' surprise." You could word it differently, but that is how I personally would write it. Other than that, there are just some simple punctuation mistakes that can be easily fixed with a quick read-through.

Grammar: 3/5

There are a couple of spots that need touching up in your story, but it wasn't to the extent where I was cringing while reading, which is a good thing! A couple of missed commas caught my attention, as well as a couple of sentences that weren't quite run-ons, but while reading them, it seemed like they were. Also, there were a few spots where there was awkward wording, such as, "By the way I was wondering if you've seen a shop that sells apples in different flavors like chocolate etc. and also apple shakes and cakes?" When writing dialogue, I don't recommend using 'etc.' Perhaps you could reword the sentence as, "By the way, I was wondering if you've seen a shop that sells varied flavors of apples, apple shakes and cakes?" Other than a couple of those missed commas and punctuation, your grammar was pretty clean.

Character Development: 4/5

Since this is one of your focus points, I'll be more thorough on this one. Overall, your character development was pretty good, although I suggest using the opportunities you get throughout the story to describe the characters more thoroughly. For example, although the entire story revolves around Hermione most of the time, I suggest adding more detail about the other characters' feelings and emotions as well. There were also a few spots where the character development was jumpy; for some reason, I feel that some facts from the Harry Potter series were added abruptly rather than smoothly entering the story. For example, when you wrote, "After that Mcgonagall explained them their duties and told them they would have their own common room and would have to share it..." But abruptly after that sentence, it said, "But Hermione wasn't prepared to hear what Draco had to say next nor could she believe her ears when he said that." This was a missed opportunity to include some sense of character development. There were also a couple of other spots that were awkwardly worded although they included character development and building of suspense, but a couple of read-throughs should fix that. Overall, good job!

Writing Style: 4/5

Generally, I think your writing style is pretty self-explanatory, especially since it's a fanfiction and the book has high standards. Overall, I liked the way you wrote the story in terms of the direction of the plot, but I think a couple of read-throughs should fix those simple grammar and punctuations that every writer stumbles across. Other than that, everything was pretty much nicely written. Well done!

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Here's another focus point! As mentioned previously, I liked the way you directed the plot very sternly without wavering, if you know what I mean. There weren't too many situations where the plot was completely driven off-task and to a whole different level, although there were those few that popped up once in a while. Your plot was well-driven, but, again, I recommend reading through your chapters and editing a bit to fix up those spots where the plot fell through. Other than that, your story was fairly well-written. Keep up the good work!

OVERALL SCORE: