Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Kirsty: Ninja in Disguise

Title: Ninja in Disguise

Author: HatakeVillage

Reviewer: CursedHobbit

Summary: 3/5

Small grammar/punctuation mistakes here that can easily be fixed with some editing. I like how much information you share about your plot, but I think it would be more effective if you tried using another perspective to tell it. For example, instead of "You are a ninja..." (first person), try saying "A ninja from the leaf village..." (third person). You also want to be careful not to share *too* much information in your summary. The readers will already know from your blurb that the MC's enemies will find them in the alternate universe and that the MC will have to step up to protect it. You can play around with it a bit to make it more mysterious for the reader.

Grammar: 2/5

Your tenses went back and forth between present and past, which is actually a pretty common mistake. If you stick with one or the other, it's an easy fix to edit those sentences. For example, in Chapter 1, sentence 1, you can change "People were whispering to each other as you walked down the street" to "People whispered to each other as you walked down the street" or "People were whispering to each other as you are walking down the street".

Small spelling and punctuation errors that could be easily fixed as well.

In chapter 2, sentence 8: "Alright let's being with the assembly"; I had to reread this to understand what you meant (begin, not being).

Some of the dialogue between characters could use more commas and periods to divide up the thoughts/sentences to make them flow better.

Character Building: 4/5

I wish I knew more about the MC's background. Why did she leave from an alternate universe at 11/12 years old?

Kakashi's POV from chapter 5 didn't make sense to me, when he and Tsunade were deciding whom to send to the alternate universe with the MC. It was unclear what you were trying to get across when they were discussing who to send.

Since you kept most of the characters from Naruto the same, I already had an idea of those characters' personalities and abilities.

Writing Style: 3/5

I appreciate that you introduced the book with the shorthand meanings/definitions for the book, but I really think using the short hand made the text harder to understand. I found myself having to go back and forth from the chapter I was on to the initial chapter so I could figure out what those terms meant. Although I would recommend just writing those definitions out instead of using shorthand in the chapters, you could also include those shorthand definitions at the bottom or top of each chapter as well as the first chapter - specifically, the shorthand words you know are written in that chapter, rather than the full list.

Personally, this is the first story I have read where you can insert your own names/biographical information into the story. The other fan fiction I've read have been fairly straightforward with selecting specific names for each character and not really allowing the reader to make up/change any of the information for themselves. I like that unique quality of your story; however, keep an eye out to make sure no one is stealing your work and inserting their own characters into it to make it look original. One thing that I would recommend if you stick with this create-your-own writing style is to make the pronouns used in regards to the MC gender neutral. For example, use "they/them" instead of "she/her". That is only to be more inclusive to a generalized reader audience and make your book more appealing to those that do not use she/her pronouns.

The way you changed from using "You" (second person POV) and "I" (first person POV) perspectives threw me off a bit as well. Try sticking to one or the other.

I enjoyed the flashback chapters. The only thing I would recommend is spreading them out a bit. Instead of having two or more flashback chapters back to back, try doing one, the next going back to present time, and then lead up to the next flashback chapter. The in-between chapter should lead readers to the flashback for a specific reason. These flashback memories should hold something that is important to the plot in them. You had several flashback chapters back to back in the story, which makes me think that the story has completely changed from the original timeline and that we are now discussing a different book. Readers may be thrown off by the memory chapters as well.

Multiple POV's: Be careful when using alternate POV's. Especially if those POV's alternate within the same chapter. I would only include an alternate POV if that POV directly relates to a part of the plot that cannot be uncovered through the main POV storyline. If you do decide to use alternating POV's, be very careful about having more than 1 POV per chapter. Often times I have seen authors use this method and it becomes confusing for the reader to go back and forth while in one single chapter.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

The plot is definitely super unique. I understand that fanfiction in itself is not usually 100% original (being that it is made from another idea), but I sincerely enjoyed the fresh take on the world of Naruto. I think it is super cool that you brought this idea to life. Some questions I had about the plot: When the MC transported to the parallel universe, what happened to the original person in that universe? Were they transported elsewhere, or back to the MC's universe? In relation to the events of Naruto, does the story take place before the battle between Zabuza and Kakashi and Team 7? And if the MC and Naruto share the ninetails chinchuriki, then are they the same age?

There was a spot that seemed to indicate a plot hole. The MC lists the jutsu that they are able to perform three in their head in Chapter 3, but at the end of the chapter, they use a lightning style jutsu that was not on that list.

In chapter 4, the MC describes Kakashi as a "boy", which makes me question the setting/time frame again as it relates to the Naruto timeline. Is Kakashi younger? Also, if Tsunade is the Hokage, the timeline doesn't match up with Kakashi's/Naruto's age. This may be completely intentional, I just can't tell.

In chapter 4, Kakashi addresses the MC's principal and said that it's been 3 years since the MC has engaged in fighting, but in an earlier chapter, Zabuza said it had been 4 years. Not only would that make the MC super young (11-12 years old), but did she get into trouble in the normal Earth universe or are these dates confused?

OVERALL SCORE: 16/25

I appreciated the graphic you made in chapter 3 to provide context for the fighting scene.

Chapters 1-3 were fairly short; however, chapter 4 was longer. Try making sure your chapters stay consistent so your readers will know what to expect from you as an author. Chapter 8 is also a longer chapter in comparison to the rest of the book.

Overall, you have a very interesting plot line going for you. As a Naruto and Boruto fan myself, it was refreshing to get myself into reading about that world instead of watching it in anime. I enjoyed reading about your version of Naruto and the incorporation of a world similar to ours. I think once your book is edited for grammar, punctuation, and tenses, it will become much stronger which may lead to an increase in your book's reads. When you are writing, make sure to consider what is most important about the plot to share. It is great to provide background context, but you do not want to veer too far from the path your book is taking.

I am excited to see what you do with this story! Good luck.