Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Started with a Project

Title: Started with a Project

Author: Stormsly

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

Your summary took so many turns that I was not expecting, and I genuinely was hooked by it. We start pretty mundane, and then, bam, a kidnapping is mentioned and we're talking about a nuclear death of two million people. I like how you link it back to starting with a simple project, as that's a nice reference to the title as well.

I do wish there was more cohesiveness in your summary. Like, where did the two million deaths come from? What does the love triangle have to do with anything? How does she get pulled in? It just feels like ideas are being spread on a page and there's no clear tie between any of them.

Additionally, your summary needs a lot of polishing. Here are some examples:

...with Calvin Collins, An former psychopath...

It should be:

...with Calvin Collins, a former psychopath...

As well as:

2. Her getting numerous times almost kilt.

To make it more fluent, consider:

2. Her nearly getting killed numerous times. 

Grammar: 1.5/5

This is probably where you need to focus on the most. While your story was pretty easy to read, there were consistent grammatical errors scattered throughout your chapters. Let's go through them, shall we?

"Omg, Omg, Omg, we have that baby project today! Maybe I might get partnered up with Calvin!!"Said Giana my bestie.

First of all, only capitalise letters for a proper noun or the beginning of a sentence. There should also be a space between the dialogue and the tag, and since the punctuation at the end of the dialogue is not a full-stop, the 'said' should not begin with a capital. Additionally, for fluency, you're missing a comma. With all those fixed, it should look like:

"Omg, omg, omg, we have that baby project today! Maybe I might get partnered up with Calvin!" said Giana, my bestie.

Another example:

I couldnt possibly be with Calvin.After all what he did to Logan, I cant stand him.

You are missing apostrophes in the contracted words, and a space after the period. It should be:

I couldn't possibly be with Calvin. After what he did to Logan, I can't stand him.

Next, tenses. Your tenses shift back and forth between past and present tense. Here's an example:

Her eyes water and she asked: "Are we over?"

If we break that down:

Her eyes water... [water = present tense]

...and she asked... [asked = past tense]

You need to ensure that your tenses are consistent.

Finally, let's talk about dialogue tags. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example: