Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Lina: June's Blues

Title: June's Blues

Author: its_a_brooke

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

I think the summary works well. It defines our main character while hinting at the potential conflicts she's going to face in the story. The last line was a tad confusing. "The one where it didn't involve her almost dying because of him." Does "the one" refer to her past or her life? She did almost die because of him, so why does it say "didn't"? I think that could be clarified and you can end on a stronger punch there.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall the grammar didn't pose too much of an issue when reading. However, there were some consistent errors that kept cropping up.

Tense changes: be careful whenever the narrator speaks more directly to the reader, you tend to slip into present tense, but only some of the time. I think it's easiest and most grammatically correct to just keep it in past tense all the time, if the rest of the story is in past tense, as it is hard to delineate when the narrator is narrating the plot of the scene versus providing commentary. 

Example from chapter one:

As written: Yes, my mother is lucky to be that way.

Correct past tense: Yes, my mother was lucky to be that way.

There are many misuses of prepositions, almost every other paragraph or so, so you may want to review those as well.

Some examples from Chapter Three (I just picked a random chapter to show this):

As written: My eyes were practically burning holes on his skull.

Correct proposition: My eyes were practically burning holes into his skull.

As written: It was a fact that no girl ever wanted to step foot on these stalls

Correct proposition: It was a fact that no girl ever wanted to step foot in (or inside) these stalls

As written: his shadow pocketed his hands on his pants

Correct proposition: his shadow pocketed his hands in his pants

There are several idioms and phrases that are a bit off every chapter. As well as some double negatives. I would recommend something like Grammarly to check over your writing, or having an editor look at it once you've got your final draft ready, as it can be a bit distracting to read.

Character Building: 3/5

Isabel is a really dynamic character. Her voice cuts through the narrative so clearly. She's sarcastic and judgmental and very rough around the edges. But she's also insecure and beaten down inside. You do a good job of showing all of these different sides of her from the start. Her sarcasm knows no bounds and it's often used to really humorous effect, which is great.

Although Isabel can't speak, that doesn't stop her voice from shining through the narrative. The ways she uses to communicate, be it her phone or ASL or a look or just her thoughts, are really effective. Although she's been silenced, you do a good job of showing how she still has a voice. It's challenging going into writing a story where you know your protagonist can't speak. Kudos to you for taking on the challenge and actually making it work really well. It's one of my favorite parts of the book. And I love that we're exploring a different kind of character from the norm here.