Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: The Perfect Harmony

Title: The Perfect Harmony

Author: Maggie-Nary

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

Wow, I have to say, I was stunned by your summary when I first read it. I love the concept of the character telling it, with that final note about how they are counting on the five teenagers – that felt very powerful, very ominous, and I would absolutely recommend that you keep it that way because it's very fresh and gripping to read. You introduce characters and conflict very well, so once again, you've done a great job.

It is bordering too long, in that I cannot see it fitting on the back of a hardback novel. I do think you should try considering making it more succinct – what details are pivotal? What do you absolutely need for the summary to be cohesive? I know you're trying to do worldbuilding and show us your world before the story starts, but this should be kept to an absolute minimum.

Additionally, watch out for some little errors, such as:

Two of them suffers from chronic illnesses...

Since you're in plural tense, it should be:

Two of them suffer from chronic illnesses...

Same rule applies for:

...and two of them tries to figure out where they want to go on someday.

Consider:

...and two of them try to figure out where they want to go someday.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, there were definitely a few things you could work on grammatically. Let's go through some examples, shall we?

Those two kept on asking of what I would do with the letter that someone had given me.

This is just an example of the sentence itself not being cohesive. Consider:

Those two kept on asking what I would do with the letter that someone had given me.

Watch out for words that seem similar to one another, such as:

"And the campus hearth throb," Nora added.

A hearth is like the base of a furnace. It should be:

"And the campus heart throb," Nora added.

Additionally, I find some things like:

I sighed, accepting my defeat. " Fine then, thanks for the concern! Well. here's the thing. Nicky asked me to come and see him at the field so I'll have to shrug it off"

A few errors were in this. First of all, you don't need the gap between the open inverted commas and the 'fine', you are missing capitals at the start of your sentence, and you were also missing punctuation at the end of the sentence. It should be:

I sighed, accepting my defeat. "Fine then, thanks for the concern! Well, here's the thing. Nicky asked me to come and see him at the field, so I'll have to shrug it off."

You also have conflicting tenses, such as:

He's crying. [he's = he is = present tense]

Shane got up and was about to shoot through... [got, was = past tense]