Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Splintered Moon

Title: Splintered Moon

Author: miaamigo

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 5/5

For a short story, this is an excellent summary. You include the fact that it is a short story (congratulations on having it featured!), you have a little opening summary that shows the general theme of your short story, and then delve a little deeper and start including names, the actual conflict, and the two paths she must choose between – which are like stakes in itself. Your use of rhetorical question is great, and the summary as a whole is polished, too. Well done! 

Grammar: 4/5

There were very minor and specific things I noticed in your story that needed correcting, so let's quickly go through them.

"...up to you," I said, kissing my palm before placing it on my tummy, waiting for any sign of her answer. I want her to know that she will always live in my heart.

You've got conflicting tenses there. If we break it down:

"...up to you," I said, kissing my palm before placing it on my tummy, waiting for any sign of her answer. [said = past tense]

I want her to know that she will always live in my heart. [want, will = present tense]

Since that's in one moment, they tenses need to be consistent – that, or make there a clear division so that the second sentence feels like a moment on its own.

It wasn't every day for a girl coming to these gatherings.

Less of a grammar thing, but more like using a common phrase incorrectly. It should look more like:

It wasn't every day that a girl came to these gatherings. Or: It wasn't every day you saw a girl come to these gatherings.

Another:

...you can not afford to go out of town for a better doctor.

Then there was another tense issue that actually made the sentence really awkward to read:

I never sang her to sleep, feed her, cradle her, play with her, kiss her, and dance with her.

You started in past tense, but then started going into present tense territory – you need to ensure tenses are consistent throughout your sentences. It should be:

I never sang her to sleep, fed her, cradled her, played with her, kissed her, and danced with her. 

Characterisation: 5/5

The thing about a short story is that there has to be an instant connect between the reader and the character, because you don't have that much time to let them grow on the reader. And I'm happy to say that you've done that well – there's an instant intrigue towards the protagonist and her battle against society. We see two characters and immediately are made to like them – a little girl and woman defying everything, stepping into a man's house without a husband of her own.

And Anaya, too, is painted in such a sweet and sympathetic light, and I like that you show us this. Instead of just telling us she's innocent, you let us see it for ourselves, showing us the way she swings her legs, wants those sweets, and is determined to explore around.

Even though Raeya herself is dead during the present of the story, I like that her character carries strength and weight into the story – she's one of the voices that the protagonist has to deal with and see, and shows a whole side to the dilemma that Maya faces.

All in all, you've done a great job here. Well done! 

Writing Style: 4/5

I love the initial description you employed to set up the mood! The way you described the lights, the flowers – all those warm bright colours that are later contrasted with the rather gruesome at the end of the story serve a good and powerful example of juxtaposition. Very well done there, the way the mood changes was handled pretty well!

I also think the rhetorical questions throughout your story were particularly effective, because this story seems to have a big emphasis on questioning society and contemplating how important it is to question everything. It never got excessive or overwhelming, and I think it was a good way to help the readers sympathise with the characters while also staying captivated with the events occurring within the story.

There was a slight lack of cohesion I found, where the writing just moved a bit too quickly without really letting the readers follow through, but I'll talk about that in the next section in more detail. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

The beauty about your story is that it's a big stand against societal norms and expectations for certain cultures, where women are forced to get abortions just because their baby will be born a certain gender.

I honestly wasn't expecting it to have such a spiritual storyline, but I think it worked very well. It was eye-opening to see the daughter that she hadn't conceived show up, all bloody, beckoning Maya towards her like a sort of siren. And then Maya falls for it – she gives in, and there's the horrific description about how her skin peeled off, hair fell off, toes detached and all. A really powerful image of what societal pressures can do to us, and very symbolic overall. Great job!

I mentioned a slight lack of cohesion in the writing style, and I found it also staggered the plot a bit. There are two moments I'm thinking of. The first is when Maya decides to go outside. We see her look at Anaya, want to hold her and kiss her, and suddenly she tells Anaya to wait there and goes outside. What exactly made her want to go outside? Was there something that drew her there? Did she suddenly crave fresh air? Show that to us, so the pace doesn't suddenly change and jump.

Also, that final moment, when there's that transition where everything gets bloody and she succumbs – it's one big paragraph. I think you should consider fleshing out the moment, slowly describe the blood, show us the thought process as it happens – is it painful? Relieving? – and then also make use of paragraph breaks. Never underestimate the power of a one-sentence paragraph to really hammer in the intensity of the moment.

Otherwise, good work! This short story kept me on my toes. 

OVERALL SCORE: 22/25

Overall, a moving short story that covers very important thematic issues in society. Well done on writing it, and apart from fixing up a few tense and cohesion issues, I think you've got an amazing story on your hands.