Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Eliza: Insanity

Title: Insanity

Author: Anonymous_Artz

Reviewer: eliza-lou

I want to first acknowledge that I read on your profile that English is not your first language. I will not be using the point system for "Writing Style/Grammar" because of this. I hope that my critique is only helpful, and that you find encouragement to keep writing & keep working on your skillset as a writer! :) So, let's get started!

Title/Summary/Cover: 3.5/5

Title:

I think the title works well! :) I would go insane too if I had an evil voice inside my head telling me what to do!

Cover:

I enjoy the cover a lot! I think the colors pop, your title is clear and readable from the thumbnail, and it stands out. Plus I saw you made it yourself, nice work! :)

Summary:

The first sentence in your summary hooked me, but as I kept reading, the summary became confusing. Because you list many of your plot points within it, it made me very confused as to what exactly your book was about.

A rule of thumb (in my opinion) for summaries is:

- introduce your main character (maybe one other character alongside of your MC)

- the main conflict of the story

- the stakes: what could happen if the MC doesn't accomplish their goal?

- the cliffhanger/hook to draw the reader into wanting to find out what happens

I think by focusing on these main points, and putting them together, it would help give you a blueprint to simplify and clarify your summary! :) Here's my interpretation of what your main points could be for your summary:

- Main character? Your main character is Eden Satire. (You could introduce one other character - perhaps the name of the voice in his head?)

- Main Conflict? A fugitive on the run that gets sucked into an evil organization.

- The Stakes? Eden must uncover the mystery of who the voice is inside his head, and defeat the evil woman that threatens humanity, or else he could die.

- Cliffhanger? Will Eden defeat the evil woman that threatens his life, while trying to figure out who this voice in his head is? Will he live?

Hook + Plot Uniqueness: 5/10

Hook from "Chapter 1: The Murder"

What I Think Works:

- Establish main character? Yes - Eden Satire.

- Main event? Yes - Eden killed his parents.

- Setting? Yes - Eden's home and the hospital.

- Cliffhanger? Yes - Wondering what Adrain will do to Eden next.

What I Think Could Use Improvement:

- Pacing. I think this chapter moved a bit too quickly. I enjoyed your beginning, and how you thrust the reader into the moment right after Eden's killed his parents. What an interesting and tension filled place to begin! I think you could use that to your advantage more! Stay in this moment longer. You have good moments of descriptions and expressing how Eden is feeling - the confusion, the traumatic images of his dead parents in front of him, the nervousness at knowing the cops were coming, etc. Let the reader soak that in - it sets the tone for the rest of the book.

- Descriptions. You had some good moments where you were describing what Eden was seeing, for example: the first 3 paragraphs of Ch.1, and when you described Azrail after he introduced himself. With that, I think you could add more to help the reader better visualize what's happening. As I said before, I love how you dropped the reader into the moment right after Eden's parents have been murdered. How to extend that moment more? Descriptions. Describe what Eden is seeing, what he's feeling, how his body is reacting to what's happening. Do the same when Azrail introduces himself - how does Eden react, how does he feel in that moment?

- Too many character intros. For the first chapter, it's important not to introduce too many characters. It becomes difficult for the reader to keep track of them all. I'd use this first chapter to focus on introducing Eden, and the voice inside his head, Azrail. You begin the chapter in the moment right after Eden has killed his parents, and then suddenly this mysterious voice appears to him? How terrifying for Eden! How does he handle this, on top of the traumatic event of his parents' murder? Does he like or dislike Azrail at first? How does Azrail handle introducing himself? Does Azrail need to gain Eden's trust, or does he not care at all and just want to take over Eden's body? Those are questions to think about. I think if you extended that first conversation, and let the reader be sucked into this intense moment, it could allow you to solidly establish Eden and Azrail as characters. 

Plot Uniqueness:

This idea is extremely unique! I haven't read a book on Wattpad yet with this idea, so kudos to you for that!

Character Dialogue: 3.5/5 

- I think you do a good job of writing a young voices, since Eden is only 13 years old and Lucifer is 14.

- I really like how you make a clear difference between when Eden and Azrail are talking to one another by making Azrail's text bold and italicized. Others may think it's unnecessary, but it didn't bother me as a reader, and I thought it worked as an aesthetic choice for the book.

- I enjoy the back and forth between Eden and Azrail whenever they are speaking to one another; their dialogue flowed well.

- I also enjoy the distinction between Eden, who is more numb to emotion, and Azrail, who embraces those emotional reactions. This gives them distinct personalities even though they both are in Eden's body.

- Your dialogue in Ch.1 for Adrain helped really show his arrogant and somewhat mysterious behavior - good work!

Writing Style/Grammar (no points used)

I think your strong suit is character dialogue! You do a great job in making your characters likable, and their dialogue flows well. Overall, the biggest issues that stood out to me were more about grammatical structure, rather than the actual translation to English. I didn't find the dialogue all too confusing, or the descriptions confusing - I more frequently found there to be many hiccups within English grammar. **(I want to note by the way, English is messy and difficult so kudos to you - this is not easy, and native speakers of English even struggle with grammar, myself included)

If you more forward with a big edit (since I saw you currently have this book on hold) I do think that having an editor that is knowledgeable in translating works from another language into English would be helpful. If you can not find an editor that specializes in that, I think having an editor in general could even be helpful (check out our Ruby Editing Store!). Having a second pair of eyes go over your work could help your grammar be cleaned up, and any English translation confusion be clarified.

OVERALL SCORE: 12/20

I would encourage you to strengthen your character descriptions, rather than post pictures of them in the middle of your chapters. A popular trend on Wattpad is making a "Character Aesthetics" chapter, where readers can see how you envision your characters through pictures, gifs, and any other media. Maybe place the pictures you have there, rather than put them in the middle of your chapters.

Thank you for letting me read your book! :) I hope this critique is not too overwhelming and is helpful. Best of luck to you!