Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: The Keeper of My Heart

Title: The Keeper of my Heart

Author: NaenaeNova

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

What a fascinating summary! I think you use rhetorical questions beautifully, and I think it's fantastic that you introduce the concept of a Heart-Keeper at the beginning because the most exciting thing about your story is your concept. You introduce the protagonist, as well as the conflict, and since it's a romance, it's okay to not have massive stakes involved. Well done!

A few things I would work on – phrasing, and polishing. For example:

...grabs her by the hearstrings?

It should be heartstrings.

You also have lots of paragraphs, that are all one-sentence long. Don't be afraid to clump the key points together.

Grammar: 3.5/5

There were very few errors within your story, which was fantastic. However, there are definitely a few things you could work on, as well as some consistent errors. The main one was throughout dialogue and punctuation.

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Of course, Hayato," She smirked.

It should be:

"Of course, Hayato." She smirked.

Then:

"The teacher's coming!" Some random person from the class shouted.

Since 'shouted' is a verbal tag, we kind of treat it like it's part of one sentence. That means that, after the dialogue, 'some' shouldn't be capitalised.

"The teacher's coming!" some random person from the class shouted.

And just be careful of general typos:

Rai looked to Syrus hand expecting to see a yard-like string...

It should be:

Rai looked to Syrus' hand expecting to see a yard-like string...

Characterisation: 4/5

Rai made an amazing first impression – from her sassiness, her banter with Elizabeth about eating instead of socialising, was a great way to introduce her and make us enjoy her character. And don't get me stated on how calmly but perfectly she responded to Elena's snark. Additionally, Lizzie having her own arc as a character is great, and she's adorable – she's bad at lying, and along with Harper being bad at thinking had me rolling.

Syrus was an interesting one – my first impression of him was awkward, because the way he started of "She's my next girlfriend" was kind of strange for me, even if it was out of spite to make Little Miss Basic to like him. We did, however, see his soft side with Harper (after thwacking the cat with a textbook, and then getting a black eye) when they sat together for lunch and he got tuna for Yami the cat. That was simply beautiful, and shows us how powerful actions are in making your reader like your characters.

Just be careful of occasionally slipping into telling instead of showing. For example:

She was actually genuinely angry at what she had been socially reduced for.

Describe it more – show us the anger. What does anger feel like? Immerse the reader by making them feel like they are in the characters' shoes – and it'll help show more idiosyncrasies between characters as they respond differently to the same emotion.

Writing Style: 4/5

I have no complaints about the writing – I think it's perfectly attuned to its genre, and is very focused and fluent. I already spoke briefly about showing instead of telling, but I also think you could do more to show us the setting; especially since you have a whole new concept, even if you're doing a contemporary setting, I think you should show more of it so that we can really immerse ourselves. Additionally, settings also add mood to the story.

Also, there were a few moments where I think you could add a sentence or two to make transitions smoother. For example:

"Shut up, Elizabeth!" Rai said, bumping shoulders with Lizzie and giggling.

"Did you hear, Syrus just broke up with his girlfriend Elena!"

"Oh my gods, Syrus, Clemont and Harper are all single now!"

"I'm getting my mark soon, I wanna date Clemont!"

"MY TIME TO SHINE HAS COME!"

I understand the four pieces of dialogue after Rai speaks are just random people in the area, but I think a slight transition is necessary. After Rai's dialogue, maybe just mentioned that they walk past the gossiping people, so that there's no confusion and we don't think Lizzie is the one who spoke first.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

So far, we're in early stages of the novel – our characters are starting to interact more, and I like the time and care you take into developing relationships and interactions between them all. I also absolutely adore the concept of literal heart-strings with the soul mate mark, and how interesting it is with the black string that Syrus has.

Because it is romance, there isn't an intense tense force driving it forwards, but we are constantly questioning things about the characters and concepts, which is what keeps the momentum going forwards. Well done with that so far – keep it up!

One moment I loved was that moment with Elena. I liked the way you directly pointed out how your story relates quite a bit with a coming of age sort of style, and how teenagers purposely break rules and are rebellious, even if it means hurting other people. I can't wait to see what happens next as characters begin to grow closer with each other, and good luck with the rest of the story!

OVERALL SCORE: 20.5/25

I'd first like to apologise for this review being so late – I must have completely missed it on the waiting list, oops! Thank you so much for the reminder, and thank you even more for your patience. I hope this review helps!