Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Gnome: When Spring Ends

Title: When Spring Ends 

Author: YeetleBeetle

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Summary: 3.5/5

I think your summary needs a little rewriting. It's good, but it doesn't make much sense at parts. Remember that you are the author and know more about the story than anyone. Don't expect your readers to know as much either!

Another thing that makes it more confusing is that the tenses change. Read through what you've written and make sure you either stick to past or present. Within the first paragraph, it goes from past tense to present, and then in the next, it goes back to the past tense again.

While your summary does have all the elements a summary needs, I do recommend you do a reread of it to fix up some small mistakes!

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, you knew your grammar basics. I only noticed two recurring errors, but I do recommend you do a quick sweep for typos and such!

The first recurring error I noticed was verbal/dialogue tags (they're the same thing). Those are anything like 'she said', 'they stated', 'she welcomed'. They are technically part of a dialogue sentence, so putting a full stop (period) at the end of dialogue and a verbal tag after it is grammatically incorrect. If it's not a verbal tag, you can put it. Here is an example of a properly punctuated conversation.

"Hi," he said.

"Good morning!" she replied.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Well." She nodded her head.

The last one still works since 'she nodded her head' isn't a verbal tag!

Another recurring error I noticed was your and you're.

You use 'your' when something belongs to you. Your bag. Your pencil case. Your name.

You're is a contraction, short for 'you are'. You're nice. You're looking great.

Other than that, though, I didn't spot too many errors, so well done!

Characters: [no score -- not added to final score]

I don't like judging characters when there are less than ten chapters, so I'm not going to be judging your characters. However, I will say that you did a good job establishing Shion's feelings towards being in the game. She's accepted it, and now she's tired of everyone and everything, and just kind of wants to live her life. It was funny how little crap she took, and it was nice being in her head. I'm definitely excited to see where you take her character next.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

I really enjoyed your writing style. Since this isn't some epic fantasy, it doesn't need much complexity, and the simplicity suited it. I do wish some more things would've been described (maybe more about Shion herself), but honestly, I can't really fault your writing style, it was well-written. Do watch out for some bits where you tell, though. Great job with the exposition!

Plot: [no score -- not added to final score]

Honestly, if I were in Shion's place, I'd still be freaking out about the fact that I'm in a game. I like how it was set years after the reveal, and I was definitely interested in seeing where this went as we read on. Still, since there are only eight chapters up, I can't really judge the plot much yet. However, I will say the set up is really interesting and I am excited to see where you take this story!

OVERALL SCORE: 11.5/15

I loved the tone of this story, and you have a nice baseline for the characters and I can't wait to see where you take them. There are a few grammar errors that I suggest you clean up, but other than that I really enjoyed reading this! Sorry it took a while, but I hope it helped!