Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: I Married My Best Friend

Title: I Married My Best Friend

Author: pennymanaughty

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: [no score – not added to final score]

I decided not to score this summary because it doesn't really follow the structure of a traditional summary. Rather, it is succinct, brief and very efficiently shows the reader the protagonist, the conflict and direction of story – really well done! There's not really much to say except I wonder whether you could put the goal of the protagonist there, or at least make it more clear – is she trying to get out? Or is she trying to work out what happened? Also, I'd polish the phrasing and maybe split that final sentence into two sentences.

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, your grammar and punctuation could use a bit of work. I've compiled examples from within your story and we can talk about each error systematically.

...using her alarm,which today had been...

Whenever you're using a comma, or any form of punctuation really, you should be following the punctuation mark with a space before you move onto the next word. It should be:

...using her alarm, which today had been...

Speaking of punctuation I recommend rereading your story aloud to find places where you need commas or some sort of pause for the sentences to be cohesive. If you have instances in your story when, as you read, you find yourself pausing for everything to make sense, that's an indication that you need some sort of punctuation. For example:

This having been one of those rare occasions that she got angry she ended up slamming the door accidentally.

Consider:

This having been one of those rare occasions that she got angry, she ended up slamming the door accidentally.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"It's time to get some answers." She muttered to the baby.

It should be:

"It's time to get some answers," she muttered to the baby.

And another example:

"Tell me," his tremulous voice reached his ears, "when?"

Consider:

"Tell me." His tremulous voice reached his ears. "When?"

Watch out for spelling errors:

She wasn't going to burge matter what and she was sure of it.

Not only is there a spelling error, but the sentence itself doesn't make sense. Consider:

She wasn't going to budge no matter what and she was sure of it.

And finally:

Thirty minutes prior to his meeting he came. And Boy!

Don't capitalise words that aren't proper nouns unless they are at the beginning of the sentence. It should be:

Thirty minutes prior to his meeting, he came. And boy!

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I think Sophia is quite an interesting protagonist! She's been through a lot, and while she seems quite emotionless and stoic sometimes during intense moments of dialogue (which is fair considering how confused she must be), she also has a lot of charm as a character that makes us like her. Even though she comes from a sophisticated upbringing, she loves eating pizza from the box and getting to lick sauce from her fingers.

Timothy also seems lovely and very selfless – while Sophia was causing trouble, he was cleaning up after her mess. In the flashbacks, we see that Timothy has lots of walls held up because he shuts away others so he doesn't seem weak. I thought the phase where he was coding games so he could imagine being with Sophia was most definitely interesting, and I loved his banter with her about her grandpa who didn't give her the business.

My issue with characterisation? Telling instead of showing. I'll talk more about this in the writing style section, but here's an example:

He eventually planned on telling her everything but he didn't want to evoke strong emotions that may trigger her health as they hadn't done a check-up.

Okay, let's think of how we could show this. Maybe he opens his mouth to tell her, quickly closes it, thinks about what could possibly happen and then react, and shove those thoughts away? See how it's more showing the moment rather than just telling blatantly why he's doing what he's doing?

Writing Style: 3/5

Overall, your writing is very clean and easy to read, but I think you need to slow it down. You jump perspectives between characters in an omniscient, third-person way, and it's a bit jarring to read. We go from the Sophia talking about how she hates the baby crying, straight into the mother's perspective about how she hates how ignorant her daughter is about owning a son.

Also, you need to watch out for telling instead of showing. For example:

Sophia was amused by this behaviour of his.

Show this to us. What would someone amused do? A little smile? Smirk? What would she do – and better yet, if it seems different to what other people usually do, it gives your character more idiosyncrasies and shows us how they're distinct from others.

Additionally, watch out for repetition in sentence structures. For example, here are four sentences you had in a row:

She then went back to...

She knew she needed...

She almost spat...

She blinked once...

All your sentences start with 'she [verb]' – I think you need to make sure it's distinct and different so the writing doesn't feel robotic and stiff.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I feel like not too much has happened, so I don't want to say too much about plot and development and conflict. However, you've set up some good drama – with people literally out to get Sophia. Currently, the pace feels quite laid back and full of heart-warming moments as we slowly fill in pieces of the puzzle.

I wish you the best of luck with the rest of the story, and so far, it's been interesting getting answers about what happened – how she became pregnant, how she transformed psychologically and stopped caring for a bit. I'm excited to see it all come together!

OVERALL SCORE: 12.5/20

Overall, a promising start! Make sure you work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this helps!