Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: A Day That Changed Everything

Title: A Day That Changed Everything

Author: Miabookworm12

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

Your summary has some very important aspects within it; I love that you introduce it as if it is being introduced as a bit of a movie trailer, and you seamlessly show us who your protagonist is and move onto who she is and how she is relevant. The rhetorical questions are also very playful, and the end makes the story sound very quirky and fun.

However, I'm missing the conflict and stakes. The "life be as colourless as it is" is a good way to hint at what the stakes are, but here's the problem: you already said it wasn't the end of her world. With that, as well, there has been no recurring metaphor of the 'colourless' life. If you're going to use a metaphor as your stakes, you need to mention it beforehand so that the summary flows cohesively.

I wish you were a bit more detailed and properly wove in the conflict elements, rather than just listing it all in a single sentence. "However, when [insert neighbour] flies, [describe how this may or may not influence Saumya]. Then, be more specific about what the marriage proposal is and how it makes the story more dramatic. 

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, your grammar and punctuation could definitely use some work. Don't worry – I'll go through some of the consistent errors I found.

First of all, let's talk about punctuation and dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Saumya go" Aunty said.

It should be:

"Saumya, go," Aunty said.

Another example:

"Hello", she said.

The comma should come before the closing inverted commas. It should be:

"Hello," she said.

Next, while we're still on punctuation, let's discuss commas. In short, you do not seem to use commas whenever they are crucially needed. A comma indicates a slight pause in the sentence for fluency purposes, and is even used to separate dependent clauses from one another to create a complete sentence. Now, read this aloud:

"Hey miss you're forgetful I know but truly I'm shocked to learn that you can even forget your bestie," shouted Surbhi.

When read aloud, there are most definitely spots where you need to pause for the sentence to sound cohesive. I would even consider revising the whole sentence so that it's:

"Hey, miss! I know you're forgetful but, truly, I'm shocked to learn that you can even forget your bestie," shouted Surbhi.

Along with missing commas, you have missing full-stops at the end of sentences and missing question marks at the end of questions. I would consider going back and revising that. Furthermore, watch out for spacing:

...down her eyes.Akash got up from...

There needs to be a space after the full-stop. It should be: