Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Lynn: Maman

Title: Maman

Author: thedream_scheme

Reviewer: Stormsly

Note from Sunshine: Unfortunately, as Bella has resigned from the community, she was not able to complete this review. However, the very lovely Lynn was willing to step up and do it. Thanks so much for your patience, and thanks so much to Lynn for doing that!

Title: 5/5

The title really embraced the whole story completely and-- it just felt so sad but so good at the same time. Especially the ending.

Cover: 2/5

Okay, let's be real. When I first saw your cover, I honestly thought it was going to be a bad book with bad grammar and a bad plot. Usually, I would have skipped that book. Whoever said 'don't judge a book by its cover' didn't mean the literal. The person meant a person, not an actual book. That cover you're using - I've seen that too many times and 3/4 of the time, and usually in books that are entirely cliché.

Description: 8/10

Usually, all the books I read have major description, some have too much, some have too little. Yours is just right-but you left out description. Like, I perfectly imagined what you described but I wanted to imagine more. Like the dining room and bedroom, and the hallways. Like sure, I get that the story is more based on the plot and not the outside, and even if it's a short story, the description is needed.

Grammar: 9/10

I didn't see much of an error in this department but I need to address this minor issue because I had my fair share of grammar nazis and I just don't want to share with you the pain.

"Ava, what are you doing?" That is correct, yeppity-yep. But then you wrote one more that said: "Ava. Why are you up here?" I do not understand. Did she pause when she said, Ava? Or did you mean comma? If you didn't mean a comma, maybe this instead: 

Finally Elise asked, "Ava." Elise paused, collecting her thoughts and calming her annoyance. "Why are you up here?" 

There were probably other errors, but I'm not exactly a proof-reader nor am I a grammar-nazi. I'm more of a grammar-police.

Dialogue: 8/10

Again. Let us be real. They were a bit dry. Like sure, they were good but they were dry. Description would have made it less dry. For example, when she threw the knife at her uncle like it was super dry- but coolio. I don't even know how to describe it.

Summary: 3/10

Again, it was dry. It doesn't describe Ava's backstory. It was super short and lacking any hook to capture Wattpadian's attention and reel them in.

Creativity: 7/10

Alrighty. Got to hand it to you, your creativity was amazing. Don't have much to say in creativity.

Originality: 8/10

Sure, I have seen these types of books before. They are more rare to call it a cliché but not rare enough to not call it a cliche. I call them 'sort-of-cliche'.

Focus: 9/10

As I said with description, my focus was spot on. The dialogue made my focus waver. You should really, really, really work on both description and dialogue.

Characters: 

They are all okay except the uncle and Ava. At first, it says that the Elise lost another child to her husband. What the hell does that mean? Then it shows that the uncle doesn't like Ava. May you please have your characters going down a specific road, and not cutting through the grass to go to another one? 

Plot: 4/10

Yes, I was finally waiting to come to this subject!  It was a bit confusing. 

Why does she kill? Why does she live with her aunt? Why? You can't make a book without answering: why (you did not, except why she looked at the stars) and when (only night time, but what era?), where (what era or country, maybe mention an accent), what (what happened to her parents?), how (something probably happened to her parents so she got sent to her aunt), whom (check!). All of those things are important to write a story. 

Also, the second chapter made no sense to the first chapter. Was it like, in the past or after the first chapter? Also, add a hook -- add a problem!

Cinderella- Evil step-mom and sisters + the midnight change.

Aurora: Maleficent/ Evil fairy and the curse.

Hansel and Gretel: The Witch.

Jack and the Beanstalk: Giant.

Harry Potter: Voldermort and others.

Percy Jackson: Titans and Giant. Sometimes Hera.

Love triangle: Two guys, two ships.

Basically, what I'm saying is that a book needs a problem.

Overall: 63/90

Overall your story is good, and since it's complete, I can't tell you to keep on writing. If you maybe could edit some parts and add a problem, that would be nice. Your story is amazing and I'm truly very sorry if this was blunt or it might have hurt your feelings. But this is just my point of view. Anyways, your book rocks!