Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Faye: When the Ocean Calls

Title: When the Ocean Calls

Author: MusicalKehleigh

Reviewer: Fayesther

Title + Cover: 2/5

I love the title. It is mystical and is a perfect fit.

In my opinion, a story like yours needs a better cover. It doesn't do your writing justice. I think the picture is a bit blurry and doesn't grab the eye like it should. I do like the font of "Ocean Calls" but the red wiry "When the" gets lost a bit. Also the author's name is a bit on the fuzzy side.

Description: 5/5

This description is informative and sets up your story nicely. With a great hook and is laid out beautifully on the page.

Grammar: 3.5/5

There really isn't a lot of issues regarding grammar. Just typos here and there. I tried to pinpoint them as I read. I hope this was helpful.

I would like to mention one small thing quickly though:

In chapter three, a part of the dialogue doesn't quite match up. "Do you wear that so you can see?" – the girl's response doesn't really follow. It seems like you missed out a few exchanges in between.

That's it really for this section.

Writing Style: 4/5

I am a huge fan of your writing style. You took me to places I could never think up myself.

Your descriptions are incredible! Each setting was so vivid. From Lani's apartment, to the beach, to the farthest away enchanted island. What a magical journey you put me on! Full of colour and new, beautiful concepts.

My only critique in regards to this is when Kiara is underwater with the merpeople. I found that there were times where you described movements of her and various characters that made it seem like they were not underwater at all. For instance, when Kiara dresses in the ball gown. It would've been cool if you added how the material moved in the water. I'm guessing the dress would look much different under water than it would on land. Another example of this is when you described the positions of the beings underwater – you used words that apply more to people on land - "Mermen stood" – I think "floated", or "were suspended" would be more fitting. A few other times I want to mention are: When Prince Kaotoniy "goes down on one knee". I'm guessing that he has a tail rather than legs. I think "bowed" would work better here. Also when you describe Kiara entering the ball - "Walking down steps", this action makes it seem like she's in a palace on land. Would a building built under the sea have steps? I'm thinking that steps wouldn't be functional for people who swim everywhere. That all being said, your writing becomes more immersive as the story goes on. This issue only really occurs within the scenes in "Oamer".

Your world building is subtle and fascinating. I love that you include throw away pieces of dialogue to explain the merfolk's culture. That was really clever. For example, when Nitov mentions that they eat their second meal at mid-tide in an overly chill way. I can picture him shrugging his shoulders whilst saying it as if it's obvious. The parallels you included between the underwater world and our world were so inventive and well described.

You have gorgeous choices of words within your imagery – a blanket of rain, lightening cutting. Not overcomplicated, but a clear description that switched my mind onto the picture you are describing with great ease.

You are incredible at keeping the suspense! Sometimes the reader knows more than the characters, other times the reader doesn't. Yet the story flows perfectly. You are so good at setting up concepts, holding back and releasing information at the perfect moments!

I also loved how you switched the point of view to Lani worrying. In so many stories like this, the one left behind is so often forgotten about. You expressed her anguish incredibly. You made me really want Kiara to return to her! What a clever way to steer your reader's emotions!

Characterisation: 4/5

What a story with rich characterisation. Not one character was overlooked or forgotten about. You write your characters consistently and effectively. Each individual have likeable traits and flaws (even the bad ones!)

Kiara starts off as quite withdrawn and shy. She seems lost and under pressure to make life choices. So relatable to so many teens out there! I like that Kiara isn't a "know it all" character. She makes mistakes, she trusts the wrong people, she silences rational thought sometimes. Her thinking is sloppy when tired. A very believable character! I always appreciate when writers remember to include character flaws as well as strengths. I also love the dragon! (I had to fit that in somewhere).

All the mermaids and mermen were intriguing. I loved their blasé attitudes when answering Kiara's questions about their world. It's as if they are really saying "well duh!" That was so interesting and it made me stop to think. I mean, of course that would be their attitude, everything that amazed Kiara was normal to them. Nitov not knowing the concept of wet and dry was such a cool addition.

The nereids and stars were incredible characters to read about! I was so excited to be introduced to such other worldly ideas for magical beings! Zodiac stars being supernatural guardians for humans was a stroke of genius, really impressive. I loved how you introduce these characters and thought through their various traits so thoroughly and communicated in a fun way. There wasn't a star I didn't like! However, if you were to twist my arm, I would say Aquarius was my favourite out of them. What a dude!

I can't forget about Lani. She has an incredible soul. She loves her little sister and seeing her go through the torture of not knowing where her sister had gone was heart wrenching.

My only issue within this section. Is that I think the bond between the sisters could be even closer at the start of the story. When Kiara arrives at Lani's place they seem almost formal when they interact. I think if they had a bit more fun and were a little less polite, not rude, but less like strangers getting to know each other. I think that would really build on the urgency in Kiara to return home.

Plot: 5/5

This story is paced wonderfully. It really comes across that you thought through every single part with care. It was as if you thought up a clear sequence within what Kiara must experience. Each step she took built up on her character and made her stronger. Wonderful!

Starting off the story with a calm atmosphere and day-to-day life. The main character battling with a life decision but seeking refuge with her sister. A lovely start that brings a false sense of security. That with a crazy cliff-hanger gets swept away into the sea.

Everything that Kiara then goes through is so exciting! Every part of her journey more fun to read than the last. I never knew where the story was going next. But when I saw it I was not disappointed! I felt I was right there next to Kiara the entire time! Incredible!

OVERALL SCORE: 23.5/30

What an incredible world to get lost in! I didn't want to leave! I loved the ideas you brought to it and I enjoyed every twist and turn you took me on. Any suggestions I have brought up are only things that I think would make your story even better. But please understand that doesn't take anything away from how impressed I am by your work - Your organised, fluid story, packed full of fantastic ideas!

Thank you for asking me to review this amazing story. Seriously I have stars in my eyes. I hope you found my feedback helpful.