Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Destiny

Title: Destiny

Author: Mubina_Hussain

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

I think you've got a pretty good summary. It follows that very promising structure that we see in most contemporary romances, where you introduce the two protagonists separately and then make the reader question what will happen the moment their worlds collide. It's definitely intriguing, and I love the rhetorical question and the way you juxtapose their two lives, but I wonder if you could even include more.

What makes your story entirely its own? Why are they put in a house together? What's the conflict? What could possibly go wrong – what could possibly go right? Why should we want them to succeed? These questions, by including answers within your summary, would give it a more personalised touch and shows how yours branches away from the plethora of other stories that introduce their characters similarly.

Additionally, watch out for commas! For example:

Shayan, known for his good looks and IQ leaves girls swooning as he walks by...

It should be:

Shayan, known for his good looks and IQ, leaves girls swooning as he walks by...

Grammar: 3/5

So, overall, your writing was pretty fluent and easy to follow, but there were a few grammar and punctuation issues that could be resolved. Let's go through them, shall we?

"Fine mum I'll be ready in a minute."

First of all, 'mum' needs to be capitalised because it's being used as a proper noun. Basically, if you say 'mum' or 'dad', it should be capitalised; however, on the flip side, if you say 'my mum' or 'my dad', there's no need to capitalise it as it is no longer a proper noun. You also need commas, and it should be:

"Fine, Mum, I'll be ready in a minute."

Another example:

"Tell dad to get his car out from the parking lot." I said and pulled away from her sliding my hands on both her arms. "You need help?" She asked.

Not only did you make the same capitalisation error, but there are a few errors with dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation).

Additionally, when you have more than one character speaking, you need a separate paragraph for them. It should look like:

"Tell Dad to get his car out from the parking lot," I said and pulled her away from her, sliding my hands on both her arms.

"You need help?" she asked.

Watch out for tenses - especially when you're referring to the future. You're mostly in past tense, so you need to keep that consistent. For example:

I waved my hand to say bye to my dad. [waved = past tense]

I will miss him. [will = present tense]

It should be I would miss him.

You're also having sentences lacking capital letters at the start, full-stops at the end, and some moments like this where you're using the verb instead of the noun: