Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: This Heart of Mine

Title: This Heart of Mine

Author: GryffindorsLoneWolf

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 5/5

The end of your summary had me sold – a corgi? Adorable! Adogable? I think that's a clever and fun use of the pun, and overall, I think it's great how your summary encapsulates the playful and light mood within your story as a whole. Additionally, you introduce the character, the conflict, the overall direction, and while stakes are hard to introduce in a chicklit, you've done it rather well and succinctly by introducing the endgame.

In other words, you've crafted a great summary that is perfectly attuned to the genre and style you are writing in. Well done!

Grammar: 4/5

You know me well enough to know that I'll pick out anything and everything I find, so let's quickly go through them!

Grant it, to cancel a contract that was irresistible...

I think the expression you're looking for is 'granted', as opposed to 'grant it'. Just one of those weird English things.

"You're banned from ever coming again," she warned, her clipped words were coated with ice.

So the above sentence is a run-on sentence, since the second part of that sentence that starts with 'her clipped words' could be a sentence on its own. Therefore, you need to change it into a dependent clause, or make them two separate sentences. I suggest:

"You're banned from ever coming again," she warned, her clipped words coated with ice.

Next, there were a few slips with dialogue and punctuation. I'm pretty sure you already know the rule, because you wrote it correctly almost every other time, but there were a few instances where it slipped into incorrect territory. Here are some examples:

"I'm Naina,." She smiled at Mr. Grumpy.

It should be:

"I'm Naina." She smiled at Mr. Grumpy.

We don't need the comma. Another:

"Look at it," Naina turned around.

Since it's not a dialogue tag, but rather an action beat, we need a period at the end of the dialogue to separate them. It should be:

"Look at it." Naina turned around. 

Characterisation: 5/5

Naina gives a great first impression! I loved the way she handed over that cancelation contract with a smile on her face, and just the overall sass and her down-to-earth nature makes her very easy to fall in love with. Overall, you did plenty of showing instead of telling, the dialogue was natural and engaging, and I was honestly in love.

I think your characters show some nice juxtaposition, too, especially the brothers! Dominic starts off being the cheerful one, with his constant gag of the 'Did I keep you awake', but when the wedding sabotage happens, he's the one glaring at her and not believing her. Meanwhile, Ian the grouch is the sweet one who comes after Naina, gives her the tissue, and even offers her a whole damned job.

And Neme! I loved how you handled Neme – such a sweet and motherly friend, giving Naina free burritos and drinks. You can't even be mad at her when she goes on that date with Ian. Meanwhile, on the flip side, there's Lauren, who is annoying (and even learning about Dork Boy doesn't give me much sympathy towards her). Curious to see how these friendships continue to develop as the story progresses, but for now, this is great!

Writing Style: 5/5

I won't speak much here, because overall, the writing was literally perfect for this genre. It wasn't too heavy on description and detail, and it was easy and light to read, but still very fluent, engaging and brimming with humour and realism.

Even moments like Naina's drunk state almost being presented like a whimsical dream was incredibly interesting to read, and you do a great job of showing instead of telling, manipulating sentence structure, and employing imagery – whether it be serious or light-hearted – to clearly help the reader understand the contextual clues in your novel. Well done!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

You know, I have to say, I just really liked reading about the wedding planning company! I just found it so funny and refreshing reading about all the glory that is working with people who want exotic animals at their weddings, groomsmen who are doing food fights and elbowing eyes, and wanting doves to be flown into the weddings. It added a layer of fun to the story, so well done!

However, there are still some rather bigger topics that are mentioned briefly in your story, and while it never delves too deep, it's enough to keep the reader aware of some issues that exist in the current world – like the concept of racism, and how some clients want someone 'better' based on where Naina is from.

So far, we've had some really good moments of conflict and obstacles within the story – Oscar the Grouch and Deme going on a date (even though his heart wasn't in it, it was great characterisation and development to see Naina's heart squeeze painfully over it). Then we have the wedding sabotage, cute dogs (I love the names, Tortilla and Beef-Bone, so much).

And now we're in a rather comfortable position, ending with a kiss, and it was sweet of him to not kiss her when she's drunk and rather wait for her to be sober. Now I'm excited to see how you throw in more conflict, and how this budding relationship will be tested. Keep up the good work!

OVERALL SCORE: 24/25

Overall, I always love reviewing your work, so thank you for giving me the opportunity to do that again! I think your story is highly polished and is heading in a great direction, so with a few touch-ups on punctuation, you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!