Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: All She Knows

Title: All She Knows

Author: jes_uba123

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

I do like your summary a lot, and it's a very kickass way to introduce Noellia – especially with the rhetorical questions about chaos and beauty. I also love how polished it is, and love that it's pitched sort of like a move trailer – with the final quotation to finish it off. Well done!

The only issue is that it feels like a very surface-level summary that doesn't actually dig deep on what the reader will be reading about. Like, what exactly is the conflict? What threats are there against her and her family? Who are these enemies and what does she do to expose them? What will be reading about, what are the stakes, and why should we want her to succeed?

Once you scratch that little bit deeper, it'll feel like a more captivating summary – and one that really marks what makes your story distinct. 

Grammar: 3/5

Okay, so overall, your story was pretty polished and easy to read. Nonetheless, I found some recurring errors that could use some polishing. Here are some examples:

"I'll let you leave like this." He mumbled.

So, what's incorrect about the example above? The punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). So, the above example should be:

"I'll let you leave like this," he mumbled.

Another example:

"...wanted you to come with me," he sat down.

Since the words following the dialogue are no longer a dialogue tag, it should be:

"...wanted you to come with me." He sat down.

Additionally, you need to make sure your tenses are consistent throughout your sentences. Here's an example:

Ignored it, I went back to my thoughts – wishing to be alone and thought things through.

Wishing and thought are in two different tenses even though they are not separated by punctuation, and the 'ignored it' is not a subordinate clause, so it doesn't quite fit right. Consider:

Ignoring it, I went back to my thoughts – wishing to be alone and thinking things through.

Also, you have missing full-stops within your chapters and incorrect capitalisation of some letters, so I recommend going back and checking for those. 

Characterisation: 3/5

Okay, so I love the way Noellia stands up for herself – like the way we saw her stand up against Becca outside the auditorium with wit and pride. I also found the way she interacted with people such as her brother quite entertaining to read – like her sentence to her rother about cutting off his manhood and selling it to animals had me sold. She's very quirky and likeable, so well done on that part!