Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Lina: Life Meter

Title: Life Meter

Author: likelilaclies

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

I think overall the blurb is nicely written, the conflict is clear, and some of what might be potential conflict between characters is hinted at. I think that you could describe the characters a bit further and give a little bit more of the flavor of what you're writing. So much of the fun is in Oliver's character and how he operates, so feel free to hint to that and maybe even use some of that language in your blurb! And granted, I've only read the first eight chapters, but so much of the story seems to be about Oliver and the way that he's affected by his trauma and the way he interacts with the world around him. That more than the stuff with rage and wanting to take down crime is more prevalent in the earlier chapters. So I'd say devote some more time in your blurb to talking more about Oliver. Just a suggestion!

Grammar: 4/5

Overall really good! I think there are some choices you make about how you format things that could be a bit clearer, but that's more a writing style note so I'll address that there. There were a few typos and I think some dialogue formatting issues, but overall really clean and easy to read. Relatively free of errors.

There were some repeated punctuation issues, particularly in dialogue. If the tag is describing how the dialogue was spoken, you use a comma. So, for example, in chapter one:

"It's fine." I murmured.

"Good." Knowles 'assured', "Skip over any question...."

is incorrect. The proper punctuation and capitlization should be:

"It's fine," I murmured.

"Good," Knowles 'assured,' "skip over any question...."

Later on, the opposite happens:

"I'm assuming Mrs Cheshire put up a fight," Knowles gave me an empathetic look....

Should be:

"I'm assuming Mrs Cheshire put up a fight." Knowles gave me an empathetic look....

In this case, the action that is tagged to the dialogue is not describing her way of speech, but a separate action. In that case, you use a period. This was a consistant issue throughout the chapter so could be something to brush up on or have an editor/proofreader look at once you are in your final revision of the story.

Character Building: 5/5

Oliver is such a unique character and I think you handled showing his trauma and how he views the world like a computer really well. I love how calculated all of Oliver's actions are. That scene in chapter 2 with his mom in the cafeteria was chilling. The ways he views his classmates, this therapy, the world. It's like this coping mechanism he uses to put a certain spin on everything. A spin that he can manage, he can handle, he can control. I'm not sure yet what exactly happened to him, but you've done a good job showing some of the pain and suffering he endured, and the ultimate effects it's having on him. It really makes you feel for Oliver.

The side characters seen through Oliver's point of view are also striking. His harried and worn mother and the oddly honest yet tricky Jericho are both really fun characters. I found myself worried about the mother as well and excited to learn more about Jericho as he and Oliver continue running into each other and hopefully form a friendship. I assume so from the blurb! Oliver doesn't have much in the way of relationships, so focusing on these two side characters as the people he most notices works really well.