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Review by Sunshine: Wrong Lies

Title: Wrong Lies

Author: queensalsabeel

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 2/5

Your summary has some very intriguing elements in it! I love the way you introduce one character at a time and then talk about how their lives intertwine, and the use of rhetorical question is a really great way to hook the reader in. I love the concepts of secrets, and we can already see the duplicitous nature of the characters, which is great.

However, your summary needs a lot of polishing. You have run-on sentences, a lack of appropriate spacing between punctuation marks, inappropriately capitalised words, and overall grammatical errors that make the phrasing and cohesion of your summary awkward. More on this in the next section. 

Grammar: 2/5

I mentioned grammar was a problem, so let's talk about it in more detail over here. We'll start with dialogue, because that's where most of the issue was.

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"As much as you are very kind Sebastion you can be a pain in the ass sometimes." I said angrily.

First of all, you spelt Sebastian differently to how you usually did. Secondly, it should be:

"As much as you are very kind, Sebastian, you can be a pain in the ass sometimes," I said angrily.

You'll notice I added a lot of commas. I suggest rereading your story aloud to find those spots that require commas for cohesion and fluency.

Next, tenses. You kept changing back and forth from past to present tense. For example:

"What the hell Sebastian!" I said currently annoyed with the position I am stuck in.

If we break it down:

I said... [said = past tense]

...I am stuck in. [am = present tense]

You need to choose one tense and stick to it.

Additionally, you have run-on sentences. This is when you have two independent clauses adjoined together by a comma or nothing at all. An independent clause, by the way, is a clause that could be a sentence if present on its own. For example:

I am always grateful for having them in my family, I would have been still living in an orphanage and never experiencing the normal teenage life I was supposed to live.

Those two clauses could be sentences on their own, so you should separate them with a period or turn one of them into a dependent clause.

Additionally, you have many errors that need polishing. You are missing capital letters at the start of sentences, you are missing full-stops at the end of sentences, you have questions missing question marks, and inaccurate spacing between words and punctuation mark. Also, when you're saying 'I did this', make sure the 'I' is capitalised. For example:

I mean i never fainted in my whole life.

You need to capitalise the 'I' since it is a proper noun.

Characterisation: 3/5

Isa makes a promising protagonist. Her relationship with her parents is so, so great. They show such a strong foundation, making jokes about giving Sebastian his lunch, so that we immediately feel the distance and alienation when they go away and Isa has to deal with the bullies on her own. Despite that, she has a lot of heart in her character – she's funny, pranking poor Tristian about having amnesia, being quite fun-loving with tickle fights.

Of course, she also shows selflessness by not bringing her friends into her bullying problems because she doesn't want them hurting. That's great, and makes her very engaging.

However, your characters felt very underdeveloped. A lot of this is because you do a lot of telling, and not enough showing. For example, when we're in Tristian's perspective:

I am still sad that she had amnesia.

Don't tell us. Show it to us. What does his sadness feel like? It feels robotic when presented like this, and makes your characters lack that layer of intimacy with the reader. 

Writing Style: 2/5

Your writing is fun, light and engaging, which is great! However, it does lack professionalism – consider describing sounds instead of just writing 'beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeep', and consider actually describing emotions instead of just writing 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'.

Next, description. There is close to none of it. Yes, there's description of clothes and hairstyles, but there isn't any of the setting. Of the mood. Of the emotions. And that's the sort of thing that sets a mood within the story and builds tension. I highly recommend trying some writing exercises; close your eyes and imagine you are the characters. What would they see, hear and smell? Jot down notes, and find a way to weave it within story.

Make sure that, instead of using weak adjectives, you consider using strong verbs. Let's take the example from above:

I said angrily. 

Why not write 'I snapped' instead? 

Plot + Originality: 3/5

There are some very important themes in your story! The dream about Lily and her minions, showing the influence of bullying on a person and their perception of themselves, was incredibly powerful and is such an important message for all readers to engage with. Well done there!

Plot is a touchy subject, since you only have seven short chapters available. So, here is my advice for your future chapters:

First of all, there is a lack of realism. When Isa suddenly feels lightheaded and is practically on the verge of fainting – enough that she's worried her family – slow down the moment. Make us feel it, and make us acknowledge that it's very concerning and not something to be glossed over with comedy. Make us feel the tension through description. You may have to do research regarding fainting to do this.

And most of all, keep every moment purposeful. Streamline your story so that every scene contributes in a purposeful manner – whether it be character or plot development. In that last chapter, when we switch to Trish's perspective to notice that Isa is wearing long sleeves despite the heat – is that necessary? Or can that that suspicion and worry be conveyed if we kept the chapter consistently in one perspective, so we're not jumping aimlessly between characters? 

OVERALL SCORE: 12/25

Overall, some very cute and quirky characters! Make sure you polish your grammar and punctuation and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!