Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Kirsty: The Cursed Empire

Title: Atlantis: The Cursed Empire

Author: loveslouisa

Reviewer: CursedHobbit

Summary: 4/5

I appreciate the short and sweet summary you provide about your story. After a few minor grammatical and punctuation edits, I think this will be a fairly nice blurb. I think the quote you incorporated was perfect and alluded to the mystery that's sure to come in the book. Your summary is only three sentences total, with the quote. Be careful not to delete a sentence because it might get too short!

Grammar: 3/5

Some sentences could use some editing for small grammar and punctuation issues. For example: in Chapter 1, Paragraph 3, "It was raining, [delete comma] [on] one particular night in Aranol[,] and while all the citizens saw beautiful pearl[s] falling from the sky, Cathrine saw the same picture [a] little differently." These are small changes that would improve the flow of your story while not drastically changing what you've already written.

Some of the words that were missing in your sentences confused me a bit as a reader, and I ended up having to reread them a few times to understand what you had written.

I also noted that the main character's name was switched between "Cathrine" and "Catherine". It's a minor difference that is of no consequence to the story, but I figured it might assist you in your editing process.

In Chapter 1 Paragraph 10, it states "Even though she didn't, 't want to die..." I'm not sure what happened in the middle, but here's one way it can be fixed: "Even though she didn't want to die, ...".

Character Building: 4/5

Catherine seemed pretty hopeless at the beginning of the story, but when given a new chance at life, she definitely opened up and I learned more about her. That was done well, Author.

Gwaine's and Diana's characters were also very interesting to see unfold. I wish I knew a little more about the true Mary's personality and characteristics.

Gwaine confused me a bit towards the end of the second chapter. He says "We need to find out about this prophecy", although, earlier in the chapter int he flashback, it seems as if he and the original Mary already knew the details.

Writing Style: 3/5

One of the first things I noticed about your writing was the varying tenses. A common habit many new writers experience is switching between tenses. For example, "When one hears the name of Atlantis...The Kingdom of Atlantis was known for...". In the first sentence of Beldvari Prison, you initiate a present tense with "when one hears" and then immediately switch to past tense with "Atlantis was known for". In paragraph 2, you also use future tense: "The sweet melody of birds would echo...". Decide which tense works best for your story, and you can correct your chapters fairly easily. I would recommend present tense, since your flashbacks are concluded by the "present" section.

I noticed some rephrasing opportunities in your writing that could improve the flow and overall readability of the story. For example: in Chapter 1, Paragraph 5, "The young girl was trapped in a dungeon for committing a crime she did not do." Rephrase: "The young girl was trapped in a dungeon for committing a crime that she was innocent of" or "The young girl was trapped in a dungeon for a crime in which she did not commit". Another example is from Chapter 1, Paragraph 8: "She thought that maybe she could finally reunite with her mother who was burnt at the stake when she was five for witchcraft." > "Catherine thought that maybe she could finally reunite with her mother, whom she had lost at five years old, that had been burned at the stake for witchcraft" or "Catherine's mother had been burned at the stake for witchcraft when she was only five, so she hoped to finally reunite with her in the afterlife". This is your story, so the rephrasing is completely up to you!

When you are writing the dialogue portions of your chapters, be intentional with how you differentiate each character's speech. Make sure that readers can clearly understand who is talking.

Your incorporation of flashbacks was unique. I have not read many stories that insert a flashback mid-chapter. If you continue to use mid-chapter flashbacks, make sure you have a good lead up point in the main storyline to the flashback section. Just throwing an awkward section in the middle of your chapter can confuse readers if it is not introduced properly. You can do something like "The knight thought back on the day before..." or something similar to indicate the flashback is coming.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Your first chapter had a nice plot twist. I think you made good use of a cliffhanger to make readers want more.

There was some plot confusion for me regarding the soul transference. If it was indeed a "soul" transference that happened between Mary and Catherine, then why did Catherine's looks stay the same? In chapter 2, Catherine's body "seems to know" how to dance, which is at odds with the previous assumption that Catherine's body transferred with her soul intact. However, in chapter 4, a nobleman that dances with Catherine recognized her from her previous life. Soul transference indicates that one soul is implanted into another body. It might be helpful if you provide more clarity about that process so that readers can understand what truly happened between Mary and Catherine. Did Catherine and Mary switch places, souls and bodies intact? Or did their souls swap bodies? Either option you choose, make sure that your story backs that up.

Overall, I enjoyed your growing plot. I think it is a bit more unique than the traditional medieval fantasy genre.

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

You definitely have definitely laid down some good plot in the first few chapters of your story. If you are looking for more reads, I would suggest having an editor assist you with grammar, punctuation, spelling, sentence structure, etc to polish your current published chapters. That might also help you in planning out your future chapters as well so that you know which specific points to keep an eye on.

Consistency is key for any good Author. If you say that Catherine transported into Mary's life, keeping her original (although similar) features, make that clear. If Catherine and Mary truly did swap souls, then make sure the rest of your story follows that point. There shouldn't be anyone "recognizing" Catherine if that is the case.

I think hammering out these few issues will improve the flow of your book and increase your reads.

I hope that you continue this story in order to reach its best potential. I know you've got a great story here, but it's time for other readers to find out, too!