Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Heart in a Shell

Title: Heart in a Shell

Author: Osasucyy111

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

You have some very promising elements within your summary! I love the way you introduced the two characters separately, and then started to lead into how their lives will intertwine. I like that sense of mystery that you build – I am genuinely very, very excited to see exactly why Rachel's mother kept moving them around. Additionally, the rhetorical questions at the end were a nice touch. Well done!

However, there were a few things I would consider polishing. While I wish I knew more about the unexpected discovery, I can understand that may be a significant moment in the book that you want to keep a secret, so I won't worry about that. But I wish there was more about how Richard and Rachel connect, as well as what the actual conflict and stakes of the story are. What could go wrong? What needs to change? Why is there a story about this?

Additionally, you need to polish up grammar.

Will these lost souls decided to uncover the truth for themselves?

You've got conflicting tenses. 'Will' indicates future tense, but 'decided' indicates past tense. It should be:

Will these lost souls decide to uncover the truth for themselves?

Also:

For Rachel Morgan, having to move again, for what seems like the hundredth time, is heart-sick and distraught at the mere thought.

That sentence does not quite make sense. If we remove the clauses within the comma, it looks like "For Rachel Morgan, having to mov again, is heart-sick and distraught..." which doesn't quite make sense. Consider:

Rachel Morgan is heart-sick and distraught at the mere thought of having to move for what feels like the hundredth time.

There are a few other variations, of course. I just recommend removing the 'For' at the beginning. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, your grammar could use some polishing. You were making lots of consistent errors throughout the chapters. Don't worry – I'll talk about them with you.

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Is it because today is your first day at school" he took more steps to where I stood.

Since it's a question, it should end in a question mark. Since it is followed by an action beat, the first word should be capitalised. It should be:

"Is it because today is your first day at school?" He took more steps to where I stood.

Another example:

I was shocked as Mum's tired hazels met mine, "Sweetheart, why are you still up," She asked while trying to stifle a yawn.

It should be:

I was shocked as Mum's tired hazel eyes met mine. "Sweetheart, why are you still up?" she asked while trying to stifle a yawn.

You also need to make sure that the closing inverted commas are attached to the words within the dialogue. For example: