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Review by Sunshine: Inside Marissa's Heart

Title: Inside Marissa's Heart

Author: heartofemotion

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4.5/5

So, first of all, I think you've introduced your protagonists in a very fluent and cohesive manner, and your summary has all the vital aspects that it needs – the characters, the conflict, and even the setting with hints at what the story centres around. I really like the rhetorical question at the end, and I'm intrigued to know more. Well done!

Just watch out for punctuation, and make sure that everything is polished. For example:

They figure that once Marissa sees Juan again, She will return to her...

You shouldn't capitalise 'she' as it is following a comma only.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your grammar wasn't too bad! It could just use a bit of work, particularly where dialogue and punctuation are concerned. Let's go through that, shall we?

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I really hope us going back to hacienda will change everything." Rosa whispers to her husband.

It should be:

"I really hope us going back to hacienda will change everything," Rosa whispers to her husband.

And now, in an example with an action beat instead of a dialogue tag:

"She'll be fine you'll see," he pecks her head.

It should be:

"She'll be fine, you'll see." He pecks her head.

And what if there's no action beat or dialogue tag? In that case, we just end it with a period. So instead of:

"When you fall in love you will find out how special it is to give your heart to someone,"

It should be (and I'm adding commas so the sentence itself is cohesive):

"When you fall in love, you will find out how special it is to give your heart to someone."

And also, watch out for tenses. For example:

Rosario's whole face light up.

The present tense verb of 'light' is 'lights', and since your story is in present tense, it should be:

Rosario's whole face lights up.

Characterisation: 3/5

I like that there is a constant sense of mystery around Marissa to begin with – we have no idea why she's always crying, always upset, and we have no real idea why because she doesn't really engage those thoughts with the reader. Then we do find out about her feelings, which is almost relatable because Juan is a bit of a dreamboat.

One thing I liked is that, even in the first five chapters alone, you've shown us that Marissa is ready to grow as a character – she's ready to apologise for how she behaves and promises to change it, and you've showed us that she's definitely a flawed character by potentially going to seduce an engaged man.

The one thing I found was that it was hard to connect with your characters because there was a lot of telling and not really enough showing – but, in particular with characterisation, I found that there wasn't nearly enough internal monologue. While goals and ambitions of the characters were clear, it was often hurled at the reader without really easing us into it. For example:

Beautiful brown eyes under a vintage cowboy hat, her gold brown hair in a tight ponytail, and a brown short-sleeved shirt with black, loose pants. This is the enemy.

First of all, that's a lot of 'brown' in one sentence, which makes the writing itself really awkward and clunky because of the repetition. However, the main issue is that big jump – we have a description of Danielle, and suddenly, bam, this is the enemy. I wish you slowed down that moment – gave us more feeling and emotion to it. What did Marissa feel as she saw Danielle? Did her heart ache? Did she feel a sting of jealousy? What's the thought process – what leads her to conclude this is the enemy? It can be something subtle – like maybe Danielle's hand touches Juan, and Marissa notices that, and then she thinks, 'This is the enemy.' That way, we can see and feel the jealousy and it makes sense and it's not too out of the blue.

Writing Style: 3/5

I already mentioned a bit of clunky sentence above, as well as showing instead of telling. I do have a few more examples I'd like to go through, because otherwise, your writing was clear and fluent to read, so well done!

She whispers, rocked by the sudden torrent of emotions.

This is a good line, but it's also a great example to show how we can expand on this. What torrent of emotions? What does it feel like? Where does she feel it? What physiological reaction is she having, and how does she respond to it?

Similarly, when it comes to describing setting, I do like some of the glimpses you give us. You show us that there is music, give us a brief sense of the mood, which is really good. However, it's not as effective as it could be because I'm finding that it's very vague and surface level. Dive that little bit deeper, and make your setting more personalised by using literary devices – personification, metaphor and simile to really show us your take on the setting. For example:

Everyone in the living room, dressed simple but looking great. Miguel and Rosaria dance lovingly, bodies in sync with the soft music.

What is simple dress in this setting and culture? Don't necessarily describe every dress, but give us a glimpse – are we talking shirt and jeans simple, wrap dress simple, or something else? And with the soft music, what does that sound like? What type of music would we be hearing? It's those little details, those little bits of specificity, that can add to your story.

Plot + Originality: [no score – not added to final score]

I've decided not to score the plot, because with only five short chapters up, I have no idea where the real direction of your story is going to go – which is exciting! I love the unpredictability in that regard.

However, I am already loving some bits of philosophy – especially in that little arc where Juan is basically helping Marissa cheer up, and he talks about how important it is to get knocked down lower than you have ever been so that you can stand taller. I think that's going to be a thematic element to your story so I'm excited to see you explore that.

There's a lot of drama going on, which is good – it's good to never be short on conflict. We have the instant chemistry between Marissa and Juan, who is then going to propose to Danielle, bringing all sorts of messy emotions. I won't lie, it was a relief to overhear that Juan and Marissa aren't actually siblings, because that would add a whole new layer of mess to it.

Now we have Marissa kissing him, calling him her Juan, so I'm interesting to see where that takes them now! Will he succumb, or will he stay faithful? I'm interested to see – good job at leaving us on a cliff-hanger!

OVERALL SCORE: 13.5/20

Overall, a promising beginning to a seemingly classic love story! I encourage you to work on your punctuation, but otherwise, you should be good to go!