Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Faye: Jaded

Title: Jaded

Author: galynad2009

Reviewer: Fayesther

Title + Cover: 5/5

The title is perfect! I love the double meaning. It refers to the main character Jade and the word jaded reflects her sarcastic outlook on life. Brilliant!

The cover is pleasing to the eye, with a nice colour palette and clear, well placed fonts. I have no issues within this section at all!

Description: 5/5

Your description is nicely structured and includes a good amount of information to entice potential readers.

Grammar: 4.5/5

Mostly your grammar is perfect any mistakes I have found, I believe, are overlooked typing errors. With a thorough read-through these mistakes can easily be fixed. These mistakes were few and far between.

Writing Style: 5/5

Your writing style is so enjoyable to read! What it made me think of is a teen show that is narrated by the main character. Something happens then you hear their inner monologue. Sometimes its a witty quip, a gut reaction or it is her thought process on the matter at hand. I found your story youthful, energetic and a good balance of ups and downs.

Your descriptions were fabulous; be them paragraphs full of detail – like when you set up the surroundings or a one off sentence. You paint a vivid picture through Jade's eyes and her witty observations made me laugh out loud!

An example of a one off sentence that I liked is – "If his words were rocks this one would be a diamond." On the surface this sentence seems quite straightforward, but not only does it describe her feelings towards how abrupt Atty was, it describes how she views his manners in speaking as a whole. I love layered writing like this. Being able to communicate many concepts within one short sentence shows a great talent in creative writing.

There are many instances where you use subtlety within this story. Sometimes Jade has fleeting thoughts that exposes information about others, for example the small section where she sees Will's baseball hat. This scenario in your story would've lasted a minute in reality, yet her mind goes down various lanes explaining something about Will and her thoughts towards this character to the reader.

Moreover, you add small details within other character's reactions to Jade's actions too. This is really effective, for it kills two birds with one stone. Like when Pres predicts what Jade is thinking. This showed how intuitive Pres is and how transparent Jade can be.

You handled your dialogue wonderfully. Your characters had believable conversations and what each person says showed their inner feelings and their own personal character traits without being too on the nose. It's not always what they say it's how they say it!

And lastly, for this section, you end your chapters really well. With a good use of cliff-hangers that encourage your reader to keep scrolling. It is obvious that they happen naturally within the story and are not forced. Great work!

Characterisation: 5/5

I really like the way you included your character exposition. Dropping hints at first within the first chapter, so that the reader doesn't know a lot about your main characters when introduced. For example, the narrator (you don't even tell the reader their name yet, which I thought was a clever choice) being 17 and running away from home, feeling a bit desperate and Atty being athletic and sceptical. As the story progressed you built up the information about who they are so that the reader can get to know them in a realistic pace. It was as if I was meeting her in real life - for nobody knows everything about an individual at first glance. Brilliant work there!

Jade (the narrator) is a great character. A product of good parenting, she cares about her parents and they care about her. I love that she carries through her childhood lessons from her parents when facing moral dilemmas, that was a gorgeous touch. It is so refreshing to read about a main character who is not angry with the whole world, she is just working through an issue and is keeping a calculated mind about how to handle backlashes from past mistakes. A very realistic and relatable individual. I also love that she is unapologetically girly, this is a rare find in media these days!

Your supporting characters were equally as three-dimensional as Jade. Collette is a lovely woman, with a kind heart, great skills in parenting, a career and a hobby. Jay is obviously influenced by Collette's guardianship, he is also kind-hearted. You also show his younger age through the way he speaks and how he holds himself. I like that he is the first to carry on calling Jade by the name she introduced herself as, rather than her true name, which is revealed later in the same chapter – Madeira. I tend to do this too, the first name I hear is the one that sticks in my mind. I like to think that the others followed Jay's influence in regards to what they call our main character.

I fell in love with Atty (I have commented as much in your in-line comments as I read). He gets more and more likeable as the story progresses! I really liked that he was sceptical to begin with and his and Jade's relationship started off as putting up with each other. At first I found his affections towards Jade developed out of nowhere, but as I read further I found that that was not the case and you explain his thought processes during that time in dialogue between him and Jade. Atty is an incredibly gentlemanly and the way he is with Jade shows that chivalry is not dead! He is gorgeous!

Will is terrible! A spoilt brat, the love of money and reputation rules over this guy, I believe. I really appreciate though that you wrote more into his character than "posh bad guy". There is more about him and I can tell, by how you have been handling character exposition so far, that there is more to find out about the guy!

Plot: 5/5

What a great plot! I really like how you have paced events and intertwined various characters' backstories, they move on gently. I felt, as an author you guided me carefully by the hand through the happenings of your story. I like how you didn't go over the top with the teen drama scenarios. When Jade had dilemmas she weighed her options and didn't always choose the outrageous, rebellious option.

This story is a cosy embrace of friendships, teen love and dealing with betrayal.

Things all kick off as if the reader has just been sleeping on the back seat of a rusty old car and woke up in the middle of a chaotic situation. The main character has to turn to robbery to get through her day and she is unexperienced, therefore not ready for what happens next.

We then get to know the family that Jade tried to rob. A uniquely understanding trio. A great little family! They are sympathetic (even Atty!) I liked how you explained more about Jade's back story, letting the reader know why she ran away.

The aspect of your story that showed how lovely this family is, is how quickly Jade fit in. She became a part of their furniture, as it were, in a matter of days. Some may say that this would be too fast, but I know people who are indeed like this! (My parents are very much like this).

Seeing Jade and Atty getting closer and closer was a joy to read! I love them two so much! They really compliment each other!

I also like that activity in your story is not just cut and dry, you brought a realism in regards to the situations you put Jade through. She gives herself a task, succeeds in the first step but then things go wrong and she views it as a waste of her time. Things being out of the protagonist's control makes your story more interesting and certainly more realistic. Things don't always go to plan!

OVERALL SCORE: 29.5/30

I'm giving this story a high mark because I genuinely think it deserves it! I am not surprised that your story is a prize winner! (Congratulations by the way!) As I read I genuinely started with the mind-set of being constructive, but I seriously found very little fault, just typing blunders here and there... Your story is great fun to read and has fantastic characters that I already adore! (I have read only half of your story). I look forward to seeing what these fabulous people get up to in the next half! This is certainly a book I'll keep reading and I'll happily recommend it to anyone!

Thank you so much for asking me to review your great story! I hope you find my feedback helpful.