Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Variant

Title: Variant

Author: JokeWasOnMe

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]

Unlike a traditional summary, you've chosen a few vague sentences from the perspective of whoever is narrating the story. So, since it's not the traditional summary with stakes, conflict and characters, I've decided not to score it.

Nonetheless, I think it's a fantastic way to reel readers in because it makes me ask so many questions and has that sense of urgency in how succinct and desperate it sounds. I think it's very clever, so well done!

Grammar: 3.5/5

For the most part, your grammar and punctuation has been pretty polished throughout your chapters! There were a few things I caught though, so let's talk about them:

Little did Artur know, but asset 126 would soon replace him once she completed her training.

This is a very specific one – it's just using the phrase correctly. It should be:

Little did Artur know, Asset 126 would soon replace him once she completed her training.

No need to include 'but'.

"They're still her former associates," She asked.

So, you've punctuated it correctly, but since you've used a comma, you don't need to capitalise the beginning of the dialogue tag. It should be:

"They're still her former associates," she asked.

Another:

"Just happy to be back in one piece," He said with a complacent shrug.

It should be:

"Just happy to be back in one piece," he said with a complacent shrug.

Another thing:

However, he could also breath under water...

Breath is the noun. Since you need the verb, it should be:

However, he could also breathe under water...

And finally, you're also forgetting apostrophes and full-stops in the correct places. For example:

I wasn't the 'good guy. Not after the things I've done

It should be:

I wasn't the 'good guy'. Not after the things I've done. 

Characterisation: 4.5/5

I think this is the best example of characterisation I've seen from you. Honestly, Harper is an outstanding protagonist – she starts off as Asset 126, a little hard to distinguish who she really is because of that, and then now that she's fully grown and no longer afraid of Artur, she has this confident demeanour. What I love is that, as Dakota said, she's not inherently evil – just dangerous. She also comes with a powerful motive up her sleeve, and that's to dismantle the league that took away her life.

And despite how strong of a force she is, how thoughtful and clever she is, we see moments of sass and humour from her that make her that little bit more engaging for the reader and easier to connect with. She's an antihero, but like Chandler said, she presents these heroic qualities – and it makes the reader happy that this ex-secret-agent-slash-mass-murderer gets to join the DCL and live a normal lifestyle.

I do feel like, since she's a strong force as a whole, the other characters pale a bit in comparison – but I also think there are instances where you have a few characters in one scene, and because they're all speaking quite formally and in a certain way, they become a little too similar to one another in those moments. It didn't happen often – but there were some instances where I wondered whether all characters presented needed to have their dialogue and idiosyncrasies branch out a little more, like when Harper, Chandler, Saratoga, and Teddy were talking about Callum. 

Writing Style: 4/5

I think the writing has become a lot more engaging and polished – I'm not sure how much you've changed, and whether it's just been a long time since I last read this, but I was captivated throughout your chapters, and particularly impressed by the amount of literary devices you've incorporated and the fine balance between showing and telling.

A particular highlight for me was the way you wrote about how the mind-link worked – and how it was like sorting through a massive filing cabinet of emotions and memories. Keep that up!

There were a few things that I caught that just felt a bit awkward, and could be fleshed out a little bit more. For example:

...stiff features were fixed into a complacent expression.

Show that to us. What is a complacent expression? What should I imagine their face actually looks like? Complacent just feels like an awkward word choice here, and the complacency can be shown to us through a description of how their actual facial features are aligned. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

It's honestly spectacular reviewing something I've reviewed before (is this my third review for it?), and seeing the writer grow, and feeling the writing growing on me itself. As always, some thing stood out for me – love the chill of Asset 126 at the start instead of a name.

I also like how you almost normalise the epic nature of your world, with Variants even having a Variant Olympics. There's also a nice harshness to it to emphasise the stakes, with the way they hurt Callum because Harper wouldn't, with the prolonged shock session. Those, while a little sad to read, are impactful as it keeps the reader on their toes, keeps them worried and makes the story feel tense.

I love the different powers, too. We have enhanced smell/hearing/sight, venomous bites, absorbing energy upon physical contact, skin replaced by metal alloys and even skin refraction that basically allows them to be a chameleon. The diversity and uniqueness is not lacking anywhere. I also like how some people represented their abilities, like Royce is gentle, powerful and enigmatic, which suits his ability.

The plot itself is fantastic – I already spoke about how excellent I find Harper's motive. And because it's drilled into the reader from the beginning, there's a fulfilling sense of freedom at the end, even if there's the lingering thought of the new serum.

Better yet, there's more than just combat and action – the thing that really flipped the script in your story was Dakota's actions, the usage of those telepathic hints, and seeing the memories. With the memory being the thing that saved them, your story felt very cyclical, well-planned, and foreshadowed throughout. Honestly, well done in this department!

OVERALL SCORE: 17/20

Overall, a great story that I'm just falling in love with more and more. Thank you for asking me to review it again, and I hope this review helps. Sorry for the slight delay – I've been all over the place recently.