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Review by Sunshine: Bhabra

Title: Bhabra

Author: TripuWrites

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

I think your summary is pretty intriguing! It introduces the protagonist in a very purposeful way – showing us a bit of her motive, and the reason why she is the protagonist. Then, you go on to show that there is a conflict, using very symbolic language that shows the almost political tones underpinning your story. Well done!

Notice that I said 'you show that there is a conflict' – basically, I wish that you fleshed it out more. What are these landslides of issues? What exactly is the conflict? What is she doing, and why is it important? What are the stakes and what could go wrong? Who is this long abandoned friend and why should we even care about winning their trust back? What do they have to do with anything, really?

I do like the final line – it's a very powerful dilemma. I just think that the paragraph before is on the vague side of things, making things seem a little less fluent because it's hard to distinguish how certain things relate to each other. Otherwise, good job!

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your grammar was very good! There were very few errors in the story, so really well done! The main issues I found regarded punctuation and dialogue, and I think I've said this to you before, but I'll quickly go through it again with some examples from your story.

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"We're not allowed to touch the ploughs memsahib." Champa answered.

To 'answer' is a dialogue tag. I would change it to:

"We're not allowed to touch the ploughs, memsahib," Champa answered.

Next:

"Do you sculpt?" He said abruptly.

Question marks are sort of treated like commas in that, if followed by a verbal dialogue tag, the tag itself is not capitalised because it is technically still part of the sentence. It should be:

"Do you sculpt?" he said abruptly.

And just watch out, because sometimes, you don't include punctuation before the closing inverted commas. You must ensure it is always present. Here is an example from your last chapter:

"Sometimes I think you love Bhabra more than I do"

It should be:

"Sometimes I think you love Bhabra more than I do."

Otherwise, great job!

Characterisation: 5/5

Your characterisation is stunning.

I think you've made a fantastic first impression with that first chapter, meeting Madhu when she is young and seeing the way she sneaks out to listen to a story – it immediately shows us that rebellious trait that shapes the story. She has flaws, and we can see that she likes being the centre of attention, but we can't help but sympathise with her and the way she has to reject every man her father hurls with her. Even when she does things that some may frown upon, for example, sleeping with the married man (though, he is getting divorced soon), she still feels sick and tells him off for never really showing respect to his wife. She's very complex, and I love that.

Also, sside note, I love the way she talks to Chikki, and how it contrasts how tough she is – if she doesn't want to let a man inside the house because he assaulted someone under her employ, she will say it then and there.

Her banter with Nakul is great, and their chemistry is so strong – it makes every moment seem natural, even if they're going from making fun of his cooking and straight to kissing. Speaking of Nakul, he's a great juxtaposing character – he's very calm and good at keeping his emotions in check, as we saw on the terrace during Champa's kidnapping and even when there was that near-fight with his sister.

It's really easy to adore and root for these characters, and it was heartbreaking when they realised they may have to separate. That's a good sign that you've got complex, meaningful characters, so really well done here.

Writing Style: 5/5

I honestly don't have much to say here. I loved the writing. You employed great use of description throughout the story, and you didn't hesitate to really milk out the world-building, which is such a key and vital part to your story. Your imagery is gorgeous, you always showed and telling was kept to a purposeful minimum, and the voices and goals of your characters was constantly present in every moment.

Really, I don't have much to say here but well done!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I think the start with the folktale about the one hundred and eight needles was very powerful – I love the imagery of the crown on Bhasmi's head, and how the love story itself almost reflects on the story itself with the idea of sacrifice, second chances, and finding love where you least expect it while defying societal norms.

The political undertones are a highlight for me – we instantly see problems within the society, even in minor things, like Champa not being able to look Madhu in the eye and not letting her touch her because her 'touch is polluting' because she is beneath her. It's so nice seeing Madhu change it – she takes care of her people and disregards all of those societal expectations, and even blatantly calls the caste system stupid.

The story definitely gets thick with conflict to counter the heavy element of romance, with bits of revenge in the form of Vishal attacking Nakul for having an affair with his wife, and I was also wondering if the clay was an symbol of sorts? Of Madhu shaping the person she is and the world around her? I'm not sure, maybe I read into it too much.

The highlight for me throughout the story was the development witnessed, particularly in Madhu. Initially, we have her talking about how everything is wrong with Bhabra. By the end, not only does she love it, but she believes it deserves a second chance. That growth within the character and setting itself was heart-warming, and I think you've got a fantastic story on your hands.

OVERALL SCORE: 21.5/25

Thank you so much for asking me to review your story again! This has been a joy to read (sorry for the slight delay – exam block has been breathing down my neck). I can really see how you've grown as a writer since the last story I reviewed, and it's so refreshing to see that. Make sure you polish some of your punctuation errors, and you should be good to go. As always, I hope this review helps!