Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: Liberation

Title: Kāma: Liberation

Author: Shivran86

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

You've got a really polished summary, that's written in a professional but engaging tone, and doesn't waffle around. I love that final line – it sounds like a killer pitch to your story, and I think that overall, you succinctly introduce the pivotal points and characters. I also love that your summary is peppered with little bits of your worldbuilding that make your story personalised and special.

However, I found that it jumped a little bit and wasn't always cohesive. Who is Āryamnā – what does he have to do with anything? Is he one of the four? Who is Rājan? Is he also one of the four – and what is he seeking redemption after? What is an Indumalā and why should the reader want him to get it? Or is that also a person, and another one of the four? I think those just need to be clarified a bit more so it feels more fluent throughout. I'd also love to get more of a taste regarding what the curse is, but I understand if you want to keep that from the reader a bit longer. 

(After reading the story, I realised Indumalā was a person -- so I do think that needs clarification in your summary.)

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, I was really pleased with your grammar and punctuation – you show a great understanding of the rules underpinning writing. However, there were a few things I noted that may need some polishing.

The biggest one was tenses. For the most part, you were in past tense. However, there were a few instances here and there where you jumped to the present tense. Here are some examples:

The strokes of kajal around her almond eyes looked translucent under the glistening drops of gloom. [looked = past tense]

Yes – she will be the ardhāngini of the Senāpati of Ishgar. [will be = present tense]

When you're referring to the future in past tense, you should write 'would be' as opposed to 'will be'.

Another thing with tenses: you have to make sure they are consistent within the sentence. Here's an incorrect example from your story:

Āryamnā had himself adorned her feet with the anklets...

The 'had' does not work with the 'adorned' because they are within one clause. It should be:

Āryamnā had himself adorning her feet with the anklets...

Next, you have some odd spacings whenever you use commas. Sometimes, you forget the spacing after the comma, and sometimes you add an extra spacing before the comma. Here are some incorrect examples I found in your story:

And there,she stood, the mrignayani, carrying the...

It should be:

And there, she stood, the mrignayani, carrying the...

Another:

Yet , his mind clouded.

It should be:

Yet, his mind clouded.

Additionally, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example: