Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Faye: Sanctity

Title: Sanctity

Author: Psr1403

Reviewer: Fayesther

Title + Cover: 4/5

I like the title, it is simple and relevant.

I love the idea of the cover, the red fabric is a good choice for the picture. But the dark writing gets lost in the shadows of the picture making it difficult to read (especially the author's name).

Description: 2/5

I usually enjoy a short and snappy description, however, your description is a bit too short. It lacks the information people need to click on your story. Remember, the description is your chance to sell your work to potential readers.

This information is found in the prologue. I would put what you've written in the prologue in your description and get rid of the prologue chapter in the book.

Grammar: 1/5

I found a few issues regarding grammar.

One-off errors were;

An instance in your introduction where you started writing one sentence but changed it part way through;

"who I am and what I am going on rambling about." Possible edits are- "who I am and what I am going on about." Or "who I am and what I am rambling about."

Using the word "un-understandable"- this is not a word. I believe the word "unrelatable" would work better in this sentence- "As weird and un-understandable my statements seem,"

A couple of clumsy comma placements;

Example 1: "I loved the most till," edit: "I loved the most, till".

Example 2: "The painful memory of the last night presented itself, Infront of my eyes." This sentence doesn't need a comma. Edit: "The painful memory of the last night presented itself infront of my eyes."

There was also an instance where your writing got a bit repetitive (e.g. writing "till I turned 10" three times in one paragraph).

Recurring errors were;

Not missing a line to break up two paragraphs- missing a line between paragraphs will help frame your writing better- slowing down the rhythm, making it easier for the reader to follow your narrative.

Using text language (e.g. writing "u" instead of "you"). This tends to dumb down the text making it come across as insincere.

Writing "i" instead of a capital "I" when referring to the narrator in the first narrative.

Writing Style: 4/5

I am not a fan of the areas in your writing where you break the fourth wall, asking the reader rhetorical questions as the character and writing "I will surely answer all your questions..." makes the character come across as a telesales person rather than an authentic human being with emotions.

I found the use of ellipses effective when describing the childhood trauma it paced it perfectly and conveyed the pain and hardship really well.

You are incredible at describing the pain and torment. I found myself empathising so much with your narrator that there were times where I found it hard to read (because of the dark themes in the story) this really displays your talent in storytelling.

I like how you ended the second chapter- like a short introduction to the next chapter and the next step of Shirley's journey. It brings with it a sense of hope, subtly showing your narrator's state of mind in that moment of her life (being able to escape the abuse). It was a lovely touch.

"what they did with me"- on face value I first thought it should be "to me" but then I took a step back and thought about it, I then saw this as a very purposeful word choice. It makes it come across as her abusers saw her as a thing rather than a human being, which surely must have been the case! Powerful writing!

Characterisation: 2/5

I found the characters not fully developed in your story. Shirley as the narrator was the only character I really got to know, however, she did not display many specific character traits making her an individual. That being said, I understand that you aimed for this to be a short story that focuses on what happened to Shirley and how she overcame everything that was done to her; so I understand why you may not have wanted to muddy the water with character exposition as it would take the focus off the main concept.

Plot: 4/5

Even for a short story the storyline seemed a bit rushed for me- especially in the ending chapter.

The pacing had a strong start when Shirley describes her childhood, however once Johan enters the picture it all seems to be set to fast forward. I believe you could have built up more gradually towards the confrontations of her abusers. It all seemed unnaturally fast.

On the other hand, you have managed to write an incredibly intense, hard-hitting story that does grab the reader's attention and works really well as a domestic abuse awareness story.

OVERALL SCORE: 17/30

A really intense story with dark themes. "Sanctity" had parts that were hard to read- Shirley's abusive past was disturbing and you managed to pull many emotions out of me (the reader). You very clearly have a true talent in writing and this story has the incredible potential to send a real and very important message to others.

Thank you so much for asking me to review your work. I hope my feedback is helpful.