Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Gnome: The Corrupted Saint

Title: The Corrupted Saint 

Author: GoliathStonn

Reviewer: GnomeMercy

Since it's a short story and there's not much to judge, I won't be giving any scores!

Summary: 

You had some nice excerpts in your summary! It's unlike most summaries, however, I did notice a few typos:

"Why on this whole Earth, you want me to meet that wicked monster?"

It should be:

"Why on this whole Earth do you want me to meet that wicked monster?"

I noticed a few typos in this paragraph, I'll put them in bold.

"There is nothing like coincidences, in this world. [..] You cannot be fool enough, to detach away from the uncertainties of the universe,as we are consciously trying to evade the change, without success."

Most of these are just unnecessary commas, but there are also some redundancies.

"There is nothing like coincidences in this world. [...] You cannot be fool enough to detach yourself from the uncertainties of the universe, as we are consciously trying to evade the change without success."

Other than that, it was a decent summary!

Grammar: 

While you knew some grammar, there needed to be some improvements. Here are some examples from your story and how to fix them.

"You are just acting like a wimp. I hoped you would have some guts in your stock"

Dialogue should always, always end with punctuation. Not just when a character speaking, but with quotes and thoughts (if you put them with speech marks, which I personally don't recommend). So, it should be:

"You are just acting like a wimp. I hoped you would have some guts in your stock." 

 The line in bold is unnecessary and doesn't really make sense. Try:

"You're just acting like a wimp. I hoped you would've had some guts."

Another example:

I was trying to calm her down, even though I knows it's important...

'Knows' isn't supposed to be used in this context, it should be 'know'. 

There were also lots of tense shifts and small typos. I recommend you do a reread and clean up of those, and stick to a consistent tense. Additionally, your dialogue was in italics and separated from any tag that came before it. While I can understand it may have been a stylistic choice, try to stick to the typical dialogue you see in published novels. For example, your first line:

"You are just acting like a wimp. I expected you would have some guts in your stock"

Should ideally be:

"You are just acting like a wimp. I expected you would have some guts in your stock." She was yelling, as if she had...

(Of course, the entire thing shouldn't be in italics, that's simply for the layout of this review.) It is on the topic of what she's just said, so don't separate it into a different paragraph. Overall, I recommend doing some grammar clean-ups to make it look more polished.

Plot, Characters + Writing Style: 

I did feel as if your writing could be a bit too mysterious sometimes and it was hard to understand what was going on. Try and remember that your audience doesn't know as much of the world as you do. Also, try and give some more descriptions of the setting as well as more on the context of the scene as we don't know anything about it. You described that the canteen was loud, but that was it. Where are these people? What does it look like? Who even are they and why should we care? We're simply given their names and their jobs, but I know nothing else and I can't care for them until I know more. So try and give us some more information!

However, I really enjoyed the dark vibe of this story, and you've definitely got a great set-up. I would recommend you explain more things as it was a little hard for me to get into and understand the story. You have some great lines of dialogue, but I'd like to know a bit more about other things!

OVERALL THOUGHTS:

I do think you have a very interesting short story here. I'd love to know more about this world and your characters, but it's very confusing to read since I don't know much. Since it's still ongoing, you may expand on it later (as I only read the first chapter), but try and let us know more about your world within the first chapter (without info-dumping of course) as it'll be hard for readers to find their footing if you introduce important things later on. Hope this helps, and I'm so sorry for the delay in writing this review!