Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Lina: When Cole Started a Flame

Title: When Cole Started a Flame

Author: salvagedesires

Reviewer: linalagosya

Summary: 4/5

I think the summary does a good job of telling us what the story is about and what kind of storylines we will find within. My one note is that the summary kind of jumps around a bit. It talks about his family and how he's in the shadows, then jumps to the fire, then talks about the girls, then goes back to his family. I think you can make it all more clear, particularly with that fourth paragraph. What does staying at a hotel have to do with these two girls? And what about seeing the world clearly has to do with these two girls? I would recommend separating these ideas into two, since they are, in fact, two separate ideas. Maybe something like:

Staying at a hotel while their house remains in ashes, Cole begins to see the people around him clearly, from the girls he's been crushing on, to his new friend at the hotel, and even to his seemingly-perfect older brother. Maybe Cole isn't the only one suffering. Maybe everyone carries their own secrets and pain.

Even his father, whose indifference has always been a mystery to Cole. But figuring out that mystery will be a hard pill to swallow.... (etc)

Just a suggestion!

Grammar: 4/5

Overall good job on the grammar. For the most part I found the prose easy to read. There are a few run-on sentences and some issues with sentence structure. I would suggest reading it out loud to yourself to catch those things. Other than that, just a few typos and some issues with dialogue formatting.

In regards to the dialogue formatting, here are a few key things that were issues throughout the story:

Some examples from Ch. 3 (I just picked a random chapter to go through, but the issues are present in most chapters) -

You should always use a comma when using a dialogue tag that relates to the speech (things like "he says" "he questions" "he murmurs" "she grumbles"), and use capitalization accordingly.

"Cole." He says pointedly.

Should be -

"Cole," he says pointedly.

"It's three in the morning Cole," He groans, "I'm tired."

Should be -

"It's three in the morning, Cole," he groans. "I'm tired."

You should always use a period when the action that is paired with a dialogue is not a tag.

Hayes glances at me, "Yeah like you're important enough..."

Should be -

Hayes glances at me. "Yeah, like you're important enough..."

If you are going to split up a sentence of dialogue with a tag, then the second part is not capitalized.

"Okay wise guy," she says playfully, "The name's Alex."

Should be -

"Okay, wise guy," she says playfully, "the name's Alex."

Try not pair up a character's actions with another character's dialogue as it confuses the reader, unless you feel it's absolutely necessary to do so. (Don't know why you would, but just making room for all possibilities!)