Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Faye: Heart in a Shell

Title: Heart in a Shell

Author: Osasucyy111

Reviewer: Fayesther

Blurb: 5/5

The blurb is laid out beautifully on the page and flows incredibly well. You have done a really good job in selling the mystery of your story and a good hook to grab your potential reader's interest, with a great use of suggestion and small glimpses into what your story promises.

It is also executed incredibly well with no grammar errors.

Great job!

Grammar: 3/5

I didn't find many issues in grammar as I read. Just little mistakes popped up here and there. I pin-pointed a couple as I read, I also would like to mention a few here.

"...I was shocked to realise that I had slept off on my book." Is a confusing sentence. "Slept off" isn't a phrase that works.

Edit: "...I was shocked to realise that I had fallen asleep on my book."

I found a few instances of tense swapping.

For example: "I watched her slam the locker door close, turning to me with one of her infectious smiles."

Edit: "I watched her slam the locker door closed and turn to me with one of her infectious smiles."

The general tense you have been writing in is past-tense. "Close" in this context is generally used when writing about a future action. "Will you close the door?" or "Close the door, please." In this sentence, Rachel is watching Charlotte close the locker door in the past tense. Also, where you separated the sentence broke the flow as you changed the tense within the second half to present tense. To fix this I joined these two parts together with "and" – this makes "turn" work as part of the established tense, for it then goes with "watched" the same way as "slam" does.

No grammar blunder found within this book so far were recurring issues. Therefore, I'm assuming they're mostly overlooked typing errors.

Writing Style: 4/5

Wow! What an incredibly immersive writing style! You have brought beautifully poetic moments and great attention to detail that is expressed in a subtle way. I appreciate writers that don't spoon feed their readers with obvious information, but instead allow them to explore for themselves amongst physical and action descriptions. This is exactly what you have brought to your story. Brilliant!

The prologue was especially impressive, I could clearly see the scene within my mind's eye and you managed to show how innocent the narrator was as a young child – not fully understanding the situation. You brought a well thought out voice to this chapter describing observations rather than inner processes, which was a great choice!

Throughout what you've written so far, you have included wonderful uses of imagery. I found wonderful moments within your writing that brought colour to the scenes you created beautifully. Example: "The cool breeze kissed my skin..." I really enjoy it when aspects of nature are personified, it makes me so happy! I also really liked how you used the image of a rose to explore aspects of your main character's psyche.

I think it would benefit the story if you condensed the part when Rachel sees "Mr. Creepy" outside after his collision with the bin and flowers. I found her inner back and forth a bit repetitive and it interrupted the flow of your story, grinding the plot to a halt.

My favourite quote so far within this story is "...it wasn't meant to be understood – only expressed." – this is just one example of your sophisticated writing, you have included such complex aspects within this book and I cannot wait to read more.

Characterisation: 5/5

A did a good job building each character. Nothing was rushed, you gradually described each of their personalities and back stories in a natural way. At no point did I become overwhelmed. It felt like I was getting to know them in real life.

Rachel is relatable as a teen with wants, needs and a rebellious streak. You explore her inner thoughts effectively and poetically. She is a complex individual with darkness in her past and hope for the future. It was nice to see her strive for what a lot of teenagers take for granted – like experiencing high school. This highlighted the mystery within her story really well. I also love her habit of giving people funny nicknames – "Mr. Creepy" and "Mr. Idiot".

Making Rachel's conscience have a separate voice in a way was a unique and effective touch, that helped me understand her character even more. I liked the moments where she argued with herself within her inner monologue. What a cool idea!

Rachel's mum is a strange woman. Mystery certainly surrounds her. She is full of fear for her eldest daughter and that fear comes out as anger, this was written so authentically. I felt for this woman despite not fully understanding her thought processes.

Papa James is brilliant. He's fun and such a lovely father figure for Rachel! I love their relationship so much.

Newer characters introduced within the school setting are energetically portrayed. Showing a sunny side to the story which effectively brought a contrast to the darkness of Rachel's insecure home life and nightmares.

Plot: 5/5

The difference between Rachel's home life in the prologue and in the first chapter brought up questions in my mind, that made me want to carry on reading to discover more. Therefore a brilliant start to the story!

You have brought good contrasts within Rachel's situation. She lived with crippling negativity – her inner demons and her mother's overprotective fears. She also had lighter moments– banter with her stepdad, who truly got her as an individual and the variety of quirky social situations she gets thrown into as the story progressed.

I found it interesting to see Rachel's point of view of school life. She clearly had made conclusions about how her experience will go through teen-fiction media. It was a clever idea to communicate her lack of experience this way. Also, like self-fulfilled prophecy her own high school experience seemed to be panning out just like in teen movies, which brings such fun to your story.

You had masterfully integrated brilliant moments of mystery and reminded the reader of Rachel's dark past in really clever and subtle ways. I have so many questions that need answers and I cannot wait to discover these answers as I read your updates!

OVERALL SCORE: 22/25

A story full of intriguing ideas, both dark and light and gorgeous imagery! You have obviously thought every aspect through thoroughly. You have included authentic , three-dimensional characters that I became invested in straight away. Overall, this story is a fascinating read and I cannot wait to discover more about Rachel and the mysteries surrounding her mother. I also can't wait to see how things pan out at school! I'm hooked!

Thank you so much for asking me to review your brilliant story, I hope you found my feedback helpful.