Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Sunshine: You're Mine

Title: You're Mine

Author: CadencePadgett0

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

I think your summary is very succinct, and I think you perfectly introduce your protagonist, the conflict, and the rhetorical question is a nice way to wrap it all up. I do think you could flesh it out a bit more – I wish you would elaborate more on the family drama and high school issues that will also influence the story. Who is this other girl? Why might she win Gene instead?

Also, look out for punctuation:

Bella Fournier the calm and sweet girl met a boy who has...

It should be:

Bella Fournier, the calm and sweet girl, met a boy who has...

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, I think your grammar could use some work. While it was still easy to follow, there were several errors that disrupted the fluency of the story. Let's go through some examples, shall we?

First of all, your tense keeps changing between past tense and present tense. You need to make sure, throughout your chapters, the tense is consistent. For example:

As I walked by the... [walked = past tense]

The boy who is playing the... [is = present tense]

You need to ensure your tenses are the same. Additionally, there are times when you are using nouns instead of verb, so then there is no tense at all. For example:

"...and I won!" Emile brag.

It should be either 'bragged' if you're in past tense, or 'brags' if you're in present tense.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Thank you." I said.

It should be:

"Thank you," I said.

And if there's an action beat:

"How about I walk you around the city," Then he put his violin in the case.

It should be, since it's a question:

"How about I walk you around the city?" Then he put his violin in the case.

Additionally, watch out for just sentences that aren't cohesive. For example:

It's a heavy medal, one of horrible music I've heard.

That sentence, overall, just doesn't make sense. For one, it should be heavy metal as that is a type of music. Additionally, just consider:

It's heavy metal, one of the worst types of music I've heard.

Characterisation: 2.5/5

Something I think you do particularly well with your protagonist is by showing the reader her thoughts and feelings about situations – and you don't shy away from making her complex in that she is questioning her own opinions. Well done on that! It was particularly nice to see her catch herself for being judgemental – when she judges a girl for wearing 'inappropriate clothing', she thinks about how her maman said that she shouldn't judge a book by its cover, which shows her central values and what she considers important.

However, you do a lot of telling and not enough showing, especially when introducing characters. For example:

Addison and I aren't that close since we both have different personalities and interests. For example, she is more bossy and strict while I'm a sensitive and helpful person.

Don't just dump all that character building! Show it to us. Show it through their actions, dialogue and body language – show us the way they juxtapose each other. Give us moments where we can actually see how they behave. If she's more bossy, show that to us by making her say something that would make us perceive her as bossy. By showing, the characters will have more idiosyncrasies that will make them individual to your story.

Writing Style: 2/5

I've already mentioned showing instead of telling, so I won't go on about it again. However, you need to consider your story and what makes it immersive – what makes your story different to other stories? Is it the clothes that they're wearing, or the setting? For me, considering how heavily weighted the actual culture of your story is – with even little symbols that remind me of Beauty and the Beast – I would focus on immersing your reader through the setting.

When they're in the Louvre, rather than focusing too much on what characters like Danielle are wearing, show us what we would see and hear and smell if we were in that setting. Use that to build the mood of the moment, and even perhaps show some thematic and symbolic purposes that enrichen your writing. Don't be afraid to utilise personification, metaphor and simile to also make your writing more distinct and diverse.

Also, I found the endings of your chapters quite interesting – and I do think that, if you're going to end a chapter without the reader asking any questions, then the statement at the end should be impactful and feel like a finishing. For example, in the chapter where there is a tense moment in the restaurant, and she leaves to go to the bathroom, the last line is:

Mint scent is taking over the smell of the bathroom and I locked myself in the bathroom.

First of all, there's redundancy – the word 'bathroom' has been used twice, making it awkward to read. Additionally, it just feels a little awkward of an ending? Rather than a simple, punchy line to end it, it just feels like an awkward way to tie it up. Consider reading through professional novels and seeing the way they end their chapters – and which ones are effective and make you want to read further.

Plot + Originality: 3/5

I really enjoyed the start, and how you really opened it up with description – I said it before, but it felt very Beauty and the Beast-esque as an opening, which I really enjoyed! So far, the plot points have been pretty easy to follow – we have a little bit of romance blossoming up, but there is tension (especially with the beef between Liam and Gene), and now I'm especially excited for Aunt Alya's interrogation because she certainly seems like a character.

However, I think you need to slow down your pace a lot to let your characters and relationships grow. For example, in that first chapter, when she sees him, he almost very suddenly offers to take her around – it almost felt too rushed. Slow it down by having them talk to each other more beforehand, describing the mood, showing us the feeling going into the reaction.

Even when they are walking, stretch out that moment by showing us how they interact with one another and how they respond to each others' presence so that, from the beginning, we're cheering them on and actually want them to fall in love.

OVERALL SCORE: 12.5/25

Overall, a sweet concept. Make sure you slow down your pace and work on punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps.