Sapphire's Review Store 3.0

Review by Faye: Entangled Love

Title: Entangled Love

Author: Namas48

Reviewer: Fayesther

Title + Cover: 4/5

I love the title, it fits your story beautifully and it is catchy. Good work!

The cover is bright and colourful. The picture is well chosen and it is pleasing to the eye. The choices of fonts go well and are placed well on the cover. However, I think the writing should be bigger so that it stands out a bit more.

Description: 5/5

The description introduces your story well. You give enough information to get potential readers on board but not too much. I like that you introduce both Zara and Armaan in separate paragraphs, that helped me to get my head around the information I needed to know when starting your story. Good job.

Grammar: 1/5

While reading, I could follow the story, but there was a number of issues regarding your grammar.

I found clumsy sentences here and there where you changed the tense of which your story is written. The majority of your story is written in present tense but there are sections where you slip into the past tense. This can cause confusion when reading. There were also dropped words in some sentences as well as unnecessary words added in others.

An example of an unnecessary word being added is: "His eyes get darken" – both "get" and "darken" are verbs and having them side by side like this is not correct English. The correct way to write this would be "His eyes darken." – This grammatical error was repeated a number of times.

"Only one month is left in my marriage" – this sentence contradicts the context of the chapter. If one month is left in a marriage that means there is one month till a marriage comes to an end. But your characters have not got married yet. Rather than writing "in my marriage" you should write "until my marriage."

I came across sentences where I believe that you started to write a sentence a certain way then changed your mind half way through without making necessary changes to polish it up. Example: "and I couldn't able to bring it." It looks as though you started to write "and I couldn't bring it" but then you changed your mind and wanted it to say "I wasn't able to bring it." Therefore leaving in a confusing sentence.

"What I was just doing?" – the word order you gave chosen here makes this sentence a statement rather than a question. To make it into a question you should write this sentence as – "What was I just doing?" this is a recurring issue within this story. Another example: "Why he is so dumb?" Edited: "Why is he so dumb?"

When talking about cars that are no longer running, the phrase you need is "broken down" rather than "worked up" - you don't use this phrase about objects for it is not used to describe physical mechanics it is usually used to describe a level of emotion. People get "worked up" when they are under pressure and getting stressed.

Writing Style: 5/5

I enjoyed your writing style. Your descriptions were immersive and you brought in culture really well through dialogue, character reactions and beautifully described details.

The physical descriptions that you included flowed nicely within the narrative. Nothing felt out of place or crow barred in. Your description of the burnt egg was so good! I felt like it was served up infront of me!