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Review by Eliza: Bad Boy Blues

Title: Bad Boy Blues

Author: amygdala-

Reviewer: eliza-lou

Title/Cover/Summary: 4/5

Title: 

I think the alliteration works greatly here! :) The title is simple, and to the point. The reader can already get an idea of what the book is going to be about which is awesome!

Cover: 

Love the cover. Simple, clean, established aesthetic, and cool fonts that are legible from even the small thumbnail. Nice work! 

Summary:

I 100% understand the use of certain things for aesthetic purposes (Wattpad is a form of social media, I'm here for it in some cases, believe me!). However, this is a book, and not a collection of short stories, poems, or short snippets of a story broken into tiny chapters. I think the "aesthetic" thing would work if you want to keep the quote you already have in it - "it broke my heart knowing he made you happy and i couldn't" - followed by an actual summary of your book. I did see you have a summary chapter - I'd just make that your "Prologue" and then write a shorter summary to put in the description box of your book. Now obviously this is one person's opinion, however, I do think you need something other than just the quote. Plus, summaries on Wattpad work best when they are short, sweet, and to the point. Your title and cover already have that energy, so I'd suggest writing a summary to match! :)

Hook + Plot Uniqueness: 7.5/10

Hook from "Summary" 

What I Think Works:

- Establish main character? Yes 

- James/Art.Main event? Yes - The girl he likes Harper being stolen by his best friend, Aldo. Setting off to get his revenge with the bad boys, Theo and Marlo.

- Setting? Yes - Abraham Lincoln Memorial High School.

- Cliffhanger? Yes - Will James/Art get his revenge?

- Overall, it's very to the point and tells the reader the basic info we need to jump into the story! Great job! :)

What I Think Could Use Improvement:

It's very confusing how James/Art is the same person. Did he fully change his name to take on a Bad Boy persona? Did the bad boys name him James? Also, why did he fully change his first and last name? - I get changing a nickname or even his first name, but a full name change is a little confusing to me. 

You introduced a lot of characters. In the "Summary" chapter, I'd recommend establishing your main character and perhaps one other. In this case, Harper and either - the backstabbing best friend OR the two bad boys. Introducing all of their full names, is a lot to read. Many teen/YA books on Wattpad have this stereotype of introducing the MC and their whole friend group of like 5 people in chapter one, and it gets very tiring for the reader to try to read about 5 characters, when the MC's point of view and personality hasn't really been established with them yet. **(Also going back to my summary comments - this feels much more like a Prologue, in my opinion!)

Plot Uniqueness: 

This idea definitely fits the genre, and is a twist on the classic "guy gets revenge on other guy and ex-gf that he stole" - I think having Art go from good boy to bad boy in order to do that, is also a unique twist on the idea as well. It creates the room needed for character development of your MC, which is also good! :) With that, I do find it a liiiiiiiiitle bit of a stretch that everyone at school wouldn't know it was Art (ESPECIALLY Harper and Arlo, who are his ex girlfriend and ex best friend) from just dying his hair and working out a little. But, in the name of drama and fiction, I get it.

Character Dialogue: 3.5/5

James/Art's voice is definitely established well. I enjoyed a lot of his internal fight of the James vs Art persona - how he'll say one think while feeling another, or like when he first saw Harper he realized how much he missed her BUT still went on with being rude anyways. That kind of tension is exciting to get into as a reader, and is a great glimpse into the MC's personality, so nice job! I'd anchor to that as you keep writing this story - focus on that internal battle. I think your big question is: James loves being this cool badass bad boy, but how much of his true self has he actually changed/believes in? That internal struggle throughout him getting his revenge is going to be your greatest ally to keeping the story dynamic, and giving James an awesome journey.

Some of the dialogue is corny, like when James is introducing himself to the class in Ch.1 (and don't get me wrong, I love me some corniness with this type of stuff because it works!!), so I just want to make sure that its purposeful! I also like that off the bat, Marlo and Theo aren't the same either. Marlo is a bit more quiet and Theo seems like the ringleader/teacher of the three. It helps create a strong group dynamic. 

Writing Style/Grammar: 3.5/5

Your writing style is very quick, snappy, and doesn't feel over-weighted with excess descriptions, which makes this easy to follow and read! There are some grammatical things going on that are quick fixes that would help polish this up, and other areas that I see could use improvement:

1) Grammar Consistency

Keep consistent with that writing! Once you write a chapter, comb through it once or twice if you can before posting to catch little grammar things here and there.

In one sentence you'll have great grammatical structure (example from Ch.1) "You heard me," I said, standing up. "You've got legs for days, and I'd like to know what's at the end of them." 

But then in another spot, I'll see a hiccup (example from Ch.1) "I dyed it this summer, mom," I said, wiping my mouth with my sleeve, "remember? I FaceTimed you?" - This should be: "I dyed it this summer, mom," I said, wiping my mouth with my sleeve. "Remember? I Facetimed you?"

2) Dialogue Tags & Add-ons

I firstly would like to say, I do this exact same thing haha. But I see a lot of sentences that feel long because of a huge repeat of using add-ons. These are okay spread out, but they were a pattern throughout all of Ch.1-3, so I'd say it's a writing style thing to watch out for.

Examples from Ch.2:

I asked, as casually as I could.

I said, helping her stand straight up.

I replied, taking her hand.

End the sentence. Use actions to help decipher the tone of voice - (these are just examples that come to my head, do not feel at all you have to use these!!)

I casually leaned back. "Do you like him?" I asked. 

I reached out my hand to help her stand. "Believe me," I said. "I know you do."

She held out her hand. "I'm Fiona West." — "And I'm James Jones," I replied. (The fact she reached out her hand, the reader can assume James shakes it OR you could say he takes her hand before the reply)

OVERALL SCORE: 18.5/25

Thank you for letting me read your book! :) I hope this is helpful. Best of luck to you!

You introduce a LOT of characters, very quickly. For me, it was way too many, way too fast. We had our MC James/Art, Harper, Arlo, Theo, Marlo, Fiona, Stacy, Greg, Mary, Mr. Abram, Hall, etc. - SO many characters. If you move forward with a big edit - I think it would be very helpful to dial it back in these first couple of chapters and remember who is actually important for the story - those are the people whose names we need. Trying to remember or understand who's important with so many people is really difficult and it makes it feel cluttered. 

I don't know if this was purposeful, so please don't be offended if it wasn't - but I absolutely loved how hilarious James was in Ch.1 in the classroom scene. The whole "bad boy" lines he was saying to Harper & the teacher had me cracking up haha.

I loved the tender moment in Ch.2 when he realizes he could possibly set Marco & Fiona up. The line - "Besides I might be acting like a dick, but I care about my friends." - that really shows some depth to him and his true heart.